~ Sunnyside2day ~

Yes, I am still here!

2006-10-04T00:47:00.000-05:00

Yes, everyone, I am still here, walking, talking, breathing. I know it has been a very long time since my last entry. All things "cancer" are things that I want to get beyond. I want a normal life. I have finally come to the conclusion I will never have a "normal" life again. (And to be perfectly honest, I am not sure I have EVER had a "normal" life!) But because of my seeking "normal" I have failed to bring forth any more blog writings on this blog.

Each week, I get a notice regarding how many have visited my blog over the previous week. I am completely amazed at the numbers. I know that for the most part, those that are reading it now are those that have just been diagnosed or have a loved one that has been. I hope for those, that my blog will provide the information they are seeking. I worry. For them. Cancer is a horrible alteration to a person's life. I now know some will get through it, some will not.

I cry way too easily. I am very touched by those that are affected. I know too much first hand. So does my family. For those of you just entering the world of cancer, my heart goes out to you.

It is again October, the month officially designated "Breast Cancer Awareness Month". In view of this, I am about to bring forth a posting I did last year at this time. I still feel very strongly about my views and therefore, for those that may not have read this posting before, I hereby present it again:

October brings us Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Over the years, I have been aware of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but only on a very light scale. Through the Breast Cancer Awareness program though, I did learn some time ago how to correctly do a self breast exam at home. Without that resource and knowledge, there is a good chance I would never have found the first lump of three in my left breast. The other two lumps were not even seen on the mammogram that followed after I found the first lump, but they where there, the second one was found when the lumpendectomy was done and the third was found against my breast wall when the mastectomy was done. If I had not found that first lump myself, in the relatively timely fashion that I did, I can only speculate what the outcome would have been. I have also been informed by two of my doctors that more women find their own lumps by doing the self exam than any other method of testing that is done. So it is obvious the education put forth by Breast Cancer Awareness month has been successful.

In the process of learning about breast cancer, I have also been learning about other cancers and paying closer attention to them. In doing so, I have found some issues that I feel need to be addressed. There are over 200 different types of cancers, yet there are only a few that you hear about in the media with publicity to increase awareness, early detection, donations and funding. Breast Cancer seems to be the leader and Prostate Cancer is starting to pick up speed. There is a smattering of awareness programs for Ovarian Cancer, Colon Cancer and Leukemia, but from there it seems to drop off, with others only being mentioned on occasion. For many types of cancers, the only time you will hear about them or they take front stage for a time, is when a celebrity announces they have a cancer of one type or another. And then often, even that fades into the background.

To give you an idea of the different types of cancers, I have provided a list of some of them. This is not a complete list, but it is does start to give you an idea of how many types there are and their names. If you are like most people, I am sure there are names on here that you have never heard of. Further information on many of these cancers can be found at Oncolink

Adrenal Cancer
AIDS-related Lymphoma
Anal Cancer
Ataxia-Telangiectasia
Bladder Cancer
Brain Tumors
Brain Tumors (Childhood)
Brain Metastases
Breast Cancer
Carcinoma of Unknown Primary
Cervical Cancer
Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL)
Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML)
Colon Cancer Ovarian Cancer
Craniopharyngioma
Cutaneous T-Cell Lymphoma/Mycosis Fungoides
Endometrial and Uterine Cancer
Esophageal Cancer
Ewing's Sarcoma
Fallopian Tube Cancer
Gallbladder Cancer
Gastric Cancer
Gestational Trophoblastic Disease and Choriocarcinoma
Hairy Cell Leukemia
Head and Neck Cancer
Hodgkin's Disease
Kaposi's Sarcoma
Kidney Cancer
Laryngeal Cancer
Leukemia-- Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (ALL)
Leukemia-- Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML)
Li-Fraumeni Syndrome
Liver Cancer (Childhood)
Liver Cancer (Hepatoma)
Lung Cancer
Lymphomas: Hodgkin's Lymphoma (Childhood)
Lymphomas: Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (Childhood)
Medulloblastoma
Melanoma
Mesothelioma
Metastases
Myelomas
Myeloproliferative Disorders
Neuroblastoma
Non-Hodgkin's Disease
Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer
Oropharyngeal Cancers
Osteosarcoma
Pancreatic Cancer
Parathyroid Cancer
Penile Cancer
Pituitary Cancer
Prostate Cancer
Rectal Cancer
Retinoblastoma
Rhabdomyosarcoma and Other Soft-Tissue Sarcomas
Sarcomas: Osteosarcoma
Sarcomas: Rhabdomyosarcoma
Small Intestine Cancers
Small-Cell Lung Cancer
Testicular Cancer
Thymoma
Thyroid Cancer
Urethral Cancer
Vaginal Cancer
Vulvar Cancer
Wilms' Tumor

Each type of cancer has its own set of symptoms. How many can you name along with their symptoms? Symptoms for some of these cancers are as follows. The following information was obtained from: The Cancer Cure Foundation - Symptoms
Bladder cancer: Blood in the urine, pain or burning upon urination; frequent urination; or cloudy urine

Bone cancer: Pain in the bone or swelling around the affected site; fractures in bones; weakness, fatigue; weight loss; repeated infections; nausea, vomiting, constipation, problems with urination; weakness or numbness in the legs; bumps and bruises that persist

Brain cancer: Dizziness; drowsiness; abnormal eye movements or changes in vision; weakness, loss of feeling in arms or legs or difficulties in walking; fits or convulsions; changes in personality, memory or speech; headaches that tend to be worse in the morning and ease during the day, that may be accompanied by nausea or vomiting

Breast cancer: A lump or thickening of the breast; discharge from the nipple; change in the skin of the breast; a feeling of heat; or enlarged lymph nodes under the arm

Colon/Colorectal cancer: Rectal bleeding (red blood in stools or black stools); abdominal cramps; constipation alternating with diarrhea; weight loss; loss of appetite; weakness; pallid complexion

Kidney cancer: Blood in urine; dull ache or pain in the back or side; lump in kidney area, sometimes accompanied by high blood pressure or abnormality in red blood cell count

Leukemia: Weakness, paleness; fever and flu-like symptoms; bruising and prolonged bleeding; enlarged lymph nodes, spleen, liver; pain in bones and joints; frequent infections; weight loss; night sweats

Lung cancer: Wheezing, persistent cough for months; blood-streaked sputum; persistent ache in chest; congestion in lungs; enlarged lymph nodes in the neck

Melanoma: Change in mole or other bump on the skin, including bleeding or change in size, shape, color, or texture

Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma: Painless swelling in the lymph nodes in the neck, underarm, or groin; persistent fever; feeling of fatigue; unexplained weight loss; itchy skin and rashes; small lumps in skin; bone pain; swelling in the abdomen; liver or spleen enlargement

Oral cancer: A lump in the mouth, ulceration of the lip, tongue or inside of the mouth that does not heal within a couple of weeks; dentures that no longer fit well; oral pain, bleeding, foul breath, loose teeth, and changes in speech

Ovarian cancer: Abdominal swelling; in rare cases, abnormal vaginal bleeding; digestive discomfort

Pancreatic cancer: Upper abdominal pain and unexplained weight loss; pain near the center of the back; intolerance of fatty foods; yellowing of the skin; abdominal masses; enlargement of liver and spleen

Prostate cancer: Urination difficulties due to blockage of the urethra; bladder retains urine, creating frequent feelings of urgency to urinate, especially at night; bladder not emptying completely; burning or painful urination; bloody urine; tenderness over the bladder; and dull ache in the pelvis or back

Stomach cancer: Indigestion or heartburn; discomfort or pain in the abdomen; nausea and vomiting; diarrhea or constipation; bloating after meals; loss of appetite; weakness and fatigue; bleeding - vomiting blood or blood in the stool

Uterine cancer: Abnormal vaginal bleeding, a watery bloody discharge in postmenopausal women; a painful urination; pain during intercourse; pain in pelvic area

There are many advanced tests available for early detection. Please check the out the following website for information on tests as well.
The Cancer Cure Foundation

I recently came across a blog of a woman who goes by Elnser.
She has Ovarian Cancer. Her post, titled “I Think I Got the Wrong Cancer (a vent/opinion)” has further insight into how it feels to have a type of cancer that doesn’t get the fan-fair that another cancer does. I agree with her thoughts. It is a very isolating feeling to have a cancer that doesn’t seem to be as important to the world as another type of cancer.

In as much as I am very grateful that Breast Cancer is being addressed so heavily at a time when I have it, I feel it is important for equal attention to be given to all cancers. Yes, of course, I feel my life and my becoming a survivor is important, but the saving of my life should not take precedence over also saving the life of someone with Ovarian Cancer or Brain Cancer or any Cancer for that matter. Cancer is cancer. Awareness, early detection information, equal funding for research and cures of all cancers needs to be made and put in the public eye for all to become informed.

So here is my tribute and promotion to Breast Cancer Awareness Month. But let us consider a new agenda. An agenda for an overall ongoing Cancer Awareness program that brings forth information, early detection knowledge, funding, donations, and fund raising events for ALL cancers on a regular basis. Every one, no matter what type of cancer, what their age, or their status in life, rich or poor, well known or not, should be entitled to have the same chance to live and become survivors of this horrid disease called Cancer.

Singing Tip for Today

2006-02-04T00:17:00.000-06:00

hmmm..... Tried singing along with a song on the car radio today. Didn't think anything of it until the first sounds rang out from my mouth! What a messed up sound! And then I also realized just how it must look...singing and toothless. I started laughing so hard I almost had to pull over. So today's tip is: Singing where one can be heard or seen is not advised when you don't have any upper teeth! It is hard enough to enunciate words in regular speaking when you don't have any upper teeth. Trying to put those words into a tune, not a chance!

(But I can hardly wait to share my new singing talent for my daughter sometime around the house. Her comments should be quite comical!)

While this is not a cancer related topic, and for the most part, I have tried to keep this blog within the realm of cancer, I wanted to share it somewhere ..... This was the only place it "almost" fits.

A long time coming ......

2006-01-24T00:17:00.000-06:00

It has been a long time since I visited all of you via my blog. I apologize for my lack of updating after the last chemo, but I reached a point where I just couldn’t and didn’t want to talk about cancer or chemo or all that goes with it anymore. Not then anyway.

I did reply to those of you who emailed me and ask how things were going, so some of you already have bits and pieces of how things went. But for the rest of you, here is a summary of the events from my last chemo on.

November 21, 2005. My last chemo. It didn’t go very well. Something happened and it literally scrambled my brain. My daughter went with me that day and it is a very good thing she did as I would not have been capable of driving home. In fact, I wasn’t even capable of showing her the way out of Madison that day. We became lost and ended up taking a much different route home. The last chemo affected my memory, my ability to function mentally, my speech, and my vision. To this day, we do not know why or what happened. The affects did go away, but it was strange there for a while!

The nurses helped me celebrate my last chemo and even gave me a “certificate of achievement” for completing my chemo and having such a good outlook and attitude as I went through it. Being given that certificate was more meaningful than any other award I have ever been given in my life. Strange how a person’s outlook on life and priorities change when one is defeating the cancer beast.

November 24, 2005. Thanksgiving. Even though I was not able to enjoy the food as I would have liked, I was very thankful for being alive and for all the good things in my life. I still am. We did the family thing (two families actually….mine and hubbies) and it felt GREAT to be doing it! Chemo fatigue finally got the better of me but it was well worth the fatigue that day!

The following weeks were the typical bone pain, fatigue etc. Food started to improve in taste slowly and as it did I made sure to enjoy every morsel.

I developed an attitude. Ya, I know, hard to believe (as you are all saying “NOT”!) The attitude? I was going to get better NOW! I was going to get my life back NOW! Well I am happy to report I think I have been doing a pretty good job of both. Yes, there have been obstacles to overcome and ignore, like the bone pain and then the onset of severe arthritis, and the memory problems, but everyday I have just pushed myself a little more to get back to where I was pre-cancer and pre-chemo. I still have the numbness in my fingers and the bottom of my feet and my toes. I am starting to wonder if I will ever regain the feeling in those areas. It isn’t something that will stop me from doing various activities, it is just an irritant sometimes.

Lymphedema became a part of my life on December 3. My left hand became so swollen it looked like a blown up rubber glove. My wrist and lower arm didn’t look much better. The pain stayed mostly in my wrist area and there were lumps there for several weeks, even after the swelling went down. What brought it on? The simple act of doing dishes. And I was wearing gloves, as a precaution, as I never wanted to get Lymphedema. Oh well. Life continues here as well. I just have to wear a sleeve and glove when I am doing things that might bring it on and hope for the best. I refuse to let it take over my life. Hubby has been really good about doing dishes, so that is certainly a blessing.

December 19, I had my first follow up appointment with my oncologist. She informed me she was going back to her home state to practice and I would be seeing a new oncologist for future appointments. I will miss her. She was very good and I trusted her. Other than that, my appointment was non-eventful. Because no marker blood tests were done by the first (horrible) place where I began my cancer treatments, we can’t do marker tests now to see how well I have progressed. The best we can hope for…..that I don’t have any more cancer cells lurking within. Time will be my only measure of this. I will have my first appointment with the new oncologist January 27.

Christmas. Had a very nice Christmas. Again, like Thanksgiving spent it with family. My son did not have to work this year and was able to come down, so that made it even better. My sense of taste was doing well and I enjoyed all kinds of stuff!

New Years Eve….stayed home and enjoyed the quiet.

New Years Day and more importantly…..My hubby’s and my first Anniversary! What a year! One thing for sure, we won’t ever forget the year! He and I went out for a while and had a very nice time. It felt great to get out and about for a few hours and just relax.

January 6, 2006. Finally was able to address the teeth problem. All of my upper teeth were extracted. The extractions and the aftermath went very smoothly. Thanks to great pain pills and an excellent oral surgeon, I have had zero problems and minimum discomfort. Now, I am toothless for the uppers, but still have my bottom teeth. I won’t be able to get a denture for the upper for six months (can not afford an immediate), so eating has once again become a challenge. Rather ironic that the foods I said I would not want to eat again because they reminded me of what I could eat during chemo, have become the foods I can eat toothless! It isn’t sitting well with me at all! I feel like I am hungry all the time and soft foods are becoming very boring already. The restoration work on my bottom teeth will begin in February. After finding out what it is like to be toothless on the top, there is no way I am going to let anyone take out my bottom teeth. I also know that when I get my denture, I will be a very happy camper and will make it work great no matter what. I am looking forward to eating a steak again someday. Not to mention looking forward to smiling openly again and feeling comfortable going out in public!

When ever possible, since a few weeks after my last chemo, I have been doing massive cleaning and re-arranging and getting things around here back in order. Cleaning of the walls, the drapes….everything! Re-arranging because I want a fresh view. When I feel the need to rest, I do, but I am finding doing these things is great mind therapy as well as physical therapy to get back into the swing of things again.

I have even begun to repair computers again. I had my first one in here this week and that too felt great to be doing after such a long hiatus.

My hair is growing, but slowly. My eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back in fairly well. The wild hairs on my chin…..of course, they came back with a vengeance (and have been plucked out just as quickly with the same vengeance.) The hot flashes are running wild, too. I still do not have to wear deodorant….but I can’t say I miss it. I started on my hormone therapy in late December. Arimidex, and so far, (so help me, I better not jinx myself here by saying this), but so far, I am not having any side affects at all from it. The blood pressure problem has not gone away, it is still too high, but my doctor increased my dosage of blood pressure meds so that, too, should be getting better soon.

Overall, health wise, I feel pretty darn good. And I am darn glad to be able to be sitting here to say that! I find that there are many things now that I just blow off that would have sent me into a tail spin prior to being diagnosis with cancer. My outlook is so much different now. Depression does take hold of me here and there…. especially with the toothless situation, but I am trying hard to keep it at bay. I am not even sure why depression keeps sneaking in. I would think it would be the opposite, that I should be happy, happy, happy, now that so much is behind me. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that so much is behind me. But unfortunately, with the cancer beast, it seems to brings uncertainties that are not present for those that have never had the diagnosis or been through the treatments etc.. And I am sad that a large portion of 2005 has become a lost time to me and in many ways to my family. Time which is lost forever. Ten years from now, this lost time probably won’t have such an impact. Right now it is way too fresh.

I have many more things to tell you, but they will have to wait a bit. I promise it won’t be so long for the next post. I especially want to tell you about an organization called Chemo Angels. So I will be back soon.

Final and Last - Chemo # 8

2005-11-20T23:46:00.000-06:00

In a few minutes it will officially be Monday, the day of my last chemo! Chemo #8!

I have awaited this day for what seems like forever. The end of this portion of the journey is now so close I can feel it. I know I will be sick for over the next week to week and a half and will have nasty stabbing, deep set bone pain and fatigue. But at least I know this will be the LAST time for these things. Also, the horrible taste in my mouth that makes most foods and beverages non-appealing will now disappear in a few weeks (I hope!).

There will be some foods that I will probably never want to come near again. The foods that became the only food I could tolerate during this time. These foods will bring back far too many memories.

I am looking forward to being able to address the cleaning of my house and getting things back in order. Both have suffered tremendously during and since the beginning of my surgeries and treatments.

I am looking forward to getting the feeling back in my fingers and toes/feet. I am really frustrated with the chemo brain issue (problems with memory) that started to occur about two months ago, so here again, I am very much looking forward to that disappearing too. And the intense hot flashes and night sweats.....oh, I won't miss those! I am hoping they will go back to the way they were prior to chemo. They were there, but nothing on this level!

Oh, and of course hair growth. And needing to use deodorant again! Not that I don't like not having to use deodorant, but at the same time, there is a comfort of normal involved to need to use it! And my hair is now fuzzy enough that others are noticing it is coming back in, too. Mostly white and I don't care. I'll take it!

There were a few times that I wondered if I would ever get to chemo #8, for various reasons. But here I am. And I am glad to be here. There are some deep feelings that come with this point in the journey. Accompishment. Relief. Anticipation of the future. Renewed priorities in life. A new set of goals to address. The wariness of knowing I always be afraid of the cancer returning. The always wondering if this or that is a "sign" of cancer.

I am eager to keep moving on. I embrace the start of the next portion of my journey. I am scared of the next portion of my journey.

I will post again, as there are some things I would like to mention that I haven't. In fact there will probably be a number of posts over the next couple of months. But after that I hope to be able to concentrate on my new blog sunnyside2morrow.blogspot.com. And of course, everyone is welcome to visit me there too!

Four more minutes to Monday! Yep, the date in time that means so much! Talk to you again soon!

Chemo #7

2005-11-07T23:33:00.000-06:00

Chemo #7 was administered today. I still have the remains of the cold and am still being treated for the superinfection, so I don't know if that may have had some affects on why things went differently today. I'm doing ok so far, but the steriods have already worn off and the benadryl didn't knock me out like it normally does. My feet, hands and stomach are swelling up and I have a sore throat. My hot flashes are going nuts. My blood pressure is on the rise again. Last take (6:30 tonight) 167/104, pulse 100.

I guess all I can do is keep an eye on things. I am hoping to get through this one with absolute minimum, perferably none.....pain and sickness.

Only one more to go! I can hardly wait. I sure hope these two weeks actually go quickly!

I have fuzz on my head again.......might even have some hair again sometime first quarter of next year! Oh, how I am looking forward to it!

Rescheduled, looking ahead and thank you

2005-10-31T21:00:00.000-06:00

Things are smooth as ever. NOT! Ended up with an allergic reaction to the antibiotic they put me on for the superinfetion, so now I am on a different one. The new one seems to be doing fine.

I have had a killer toothache for a couple of days now. I am hoping the tooth just dies and gets it overwith. Actually it is two teeth, but all the same.

The doctor is figuring I should be over this cold, that is still making me miserable, by next Monday and she has scheduled chemo #7 for that day. She says it would not be in my best interest at all to put too much time in between these last chemos and that I need to get them done to have the best odds. She says she will try to figure out something regarding my teeth, but I just might have to just deal with it. Oh, yea! Sure hope they give me plenty of pain pills!

I am going to be such a wimp in regards to pain by the time this is all over. And if the pain doesn't do me in the high blood pressure being brought on by the Taxol, will!

Actually, I know I will be fine once I get through all this, but damn, it just seems to take forever.

On a bright note, some very wonderful people did a spagetti dinner benefit recently for me and my family to help with expenses that have been hitting us left and right since the beginning of all the doctor appointments etc. These people were truley God sent! The timing was incredible. It wasn't a huge sum of money, but it was enough to get some bills caught back up that I was starting to panic about. We were facing shutoffs left and right! I have made sure to thank each of them, but I would also like to put a thank you here. THANK YOU to everyone, who organized, donated to and attended the benefit. Your kindness is very much appreciated. Once again I feel very blessed to have some great people in my life!

Time Out

2005-10-27T18:39:00.000-05:00

We will start this post with a note to self: from here on out, don’t speak of things going so well, it seems to become an omen.

Ok, now with that done and as you are sitting there going, oh, no, now what happened, here is the rest of the story:

As I mentioned in the last post, I caught a cold, two days after receiving chemo #6. It moved rapidly into my lungs and has been causing its own share of havoc. Then on Sunday, I started becoming much sicker and by yesterday, Wednesday, I had become quite weak and in an almost disorientated state. I called my oncologist and they arranged for me to go to urgent care fifteen miles from here to get tested and find out what the problem is.

My daughter called into work and then took me over there. Good thing I went. It turns out I now have a superinfection. The end result of either being on antibiotics since July 18^th because of my teeth, or the chemo, Taxol, or a combination of both. So now I am off the antibiotics for my teeth and am being put on another antibiotic to get rid of the superinfection.

Needless to say, chemo #7, originally scheduled for this upcoming Monday is now canceled until further notice from my oncologist. I will have labs and my appointment with her on Monday and we will discuss at that time what the future holds from here. And as far as my teeth…. Heaven only knows what is going to happen.

Chemo #6 done and how it went ....

2005-10-23T11:44:00.000-05:00

Thought I would bring my posts up to date with what has happened since my Chemo #6 on Monday (10-17-05). The chemo infusion went well. This time I only received the steroids in pill form the night before and the morning of chemo. When I saw my doctor before chemo, she and I discussed the problems I had after the last chemo with my blood pressure, heart and some other things, she became very concerned that my body was not dealing with the steroids well and if I kept getting the massive dose of steroids, I could have a much bigger problem. Even when I went in for that appointment with her on chemo day, my blood pressure and pulse were all over the place. So the doctor decided it would be best to not do the mega dose of steroids along with chemo #6. As this week has progressed, the just doing the mega dose of Benadryl and not a mega dose of steroids seems to have been a very good call. My blood pressure and pulse and body reactions were much different this time and much better.

And had I not come down with a cold two days after receiving the chemo, I think I would have done great this time. It is a nasty cold and moved deep into my lungs almost immediately, but I have been doing everything I can to knock it out as fast as possible. I sure don’t want it lingering around and ending up postponing my next chemo!

With chemo #6, I have had minimum nausea and have not thrown up once! THAT has been great! I got the stabbing, punching nasty pains again, but at least this time I had enough Morphine on hand to get it under control early. I have the fatigue, but that could easily be both the cold or the chemo or a combination. The metallic taste is still here and the alterations of food tastes is still happening, but in the big picture, that is something that can be dealt with easily, because I know it won’t last forever. All in all, I feel this has been the best “after chemo” that I have had! More good news…. So far I am getting the tingling, numb feeling that Taxol can cause, but it is in only a few finger tips and none in my toes. And it isn’t painful at this point. So with only two more Taxol sessions to go, I think there is a really good chance I am not going to get that as bad as some people do and it will end up being short term only.

I did receive some bad news though with this chemo. The pathology department at the cancer center where I am currently going disagrees with the staging the original place did on my cancer and have staged it at Stage III instead of Stage IIB. Granted, it isn’t a huge difference, but it is just enough to make a difference when it comes to statistics. Plus, the original place never did the blood tests for markers, so I won’t ever know via markers, how my body is doing, because a baseline was never established. After chemo is over, I will always have to be very aware of my body and changes in my body. I am hoping I don’t become over paranoid on this, but I also know I will never trust my body again. So even if I had the marker tests to compare with, I don’t know if I would truly rely on them anyway.

Due to various information that I have studied and various people I have talked with in regards to radiation after my chemo is done, I have decided to not do radiation. It would take a very long post to explain all that I have found regarding this subject and all of my reasons as to why I am not going to do it, so I won’t bore you with all of that…..(not today anyway). I have spoken to some top experts in both the radiation and cancer fields and have made my decision based on facts and how they pertain to my particular case. I will be doing the hormone treatments, but even there, I am now considering having my ovaries shut down as an added precaution. My cancer is estrogen based/fed and if there is a way to deal with minimizing the estrogen levels in my body, I feel this is another way to keep/minimize the cancer from ever coming back again.

And now……only two more chemos to go! I am actually getting excited! Then I get to take a little time off before I get my teeth pulled. Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel is starting to beam through and it is getting a little brighter by the day.

From my daughter's point of view .....

2005-10-16T16:40:00.000-05:00

This week has had its ups and downs but as the week has gone forth, I have been feeling better and better. But then again that seems to be the pattern, chemo, sick, better a few days and then bam it is time for chemo again. And true to form tomorrow is chemo #6. For some reason I haven’t really been in much of a mood to post this week. Sometimes I get really tired of everything cancer. So in lieu of my own post, I would like to share a post my daughter (19) posted on her blog back on July 17, (which seems so long ago now). I found it to be very touching and would like to share her comments for those to have a glimpse of what a person close to a person with cancer goes through.

“My mom has cancer. She was officially diagnosed May 4th, the day after my birthday. I haven't completely kept it to myself (as a handful of my friends have known about it), but haven't really released it in any public way. I didn't want to...I labeled it as "keeping my private life private". The real label, as I've come to realize, is my own form of self-denial.

Two parents, one disease. One's dead already, this one is battling. To have already gone through this struggle once, and to have reached a dead end (so to speak), makes it difficult to accept the scenario for a second time.

My mom and I have definitely had a rocky and peculiar relationship throughout my lifetime. But nested inside all of it was still unconditional love. And now, that we've both matured, we've both invested time and energy over the years into our relationship, we are so solid. It's still a peculiar relationship, no doubt. And we have our moments of anger, and rage, and we have our disputes. But we are solid, we are strong, and there is a tightly fused bond of love that will never break. She's the truest form of a best friend.

Now, watching her go through this agony...the treatments, the surgeries, the medications...watching her suffer just like my father did, it's the most horrible case of deja vu I've ever had the displeasure of experiencing.

I was supposed to be out of here this September. I was set up to pack and leave for New York. I was working on getting the place, I had the money saving up, I was ready. Now, in a tragic change of events, here I remain. And selfishly, in the beginning, all I could think about it all the chances I was now going to lose. Career, education, location. Now...the tables have turned. As she winces in pain from the mere sight of lamp light, as she lays in bed void of all energy, as she can't even leave the house without it being torture to all her senses...all I can think is that I may have lost opportune moments, but, dammit, she's fighting just to keep from losing her life.

Priorities change. Life lays down a losing hand sometimes. But you just have to grab the next cards and hope for the best. Hope, and pray, and surround yourself in all the positive energy you can. So that's what I'm trying to do, because she needs it. Strength and support are two words you learn, understand, and live by religiously when you get dropped into this situation. And right now, for one of the very few times in my life, I admit that I need it too.

Some of my friends have been absolutely phenomenal. However, as much as I love all of my friends, some are so stuck on negativity, that's its almost painful to be around them. And some, though I believe their intentions and hearts are usually truly good (otherwise I wouldn't call them my friends), take actions and speak words that seem so selfish that I'm starting to step back. They offer assistence, but they do things that contradict their care. And I'm not asking for a pity party, or attempting to use a crutch, I just want a hand to hold on if I need it. To these people, I just want to grab them and scream at them to realize just how fragile this all is, everything you have, everything you do, and everything you are. But right now, my energy and time is devoted to someone else...and I just can't. So I just take a step away.

I've just found myself becoming a firm "believer", I guess you could say, in good and bad energy. It's so contagious, so effective, and infectious. All I want is good surrounding my mom. The light, and the positive. So right now, all I want is the same surrounding me, so I can give it to her three-fold.

My Mom started a blog online, to keep note of her daily happenings, and to be helpful if not inspiring to the next woman who has to battle through this. She tries to be as light-hearted as she can, and I give her so much credit for facing this straight on and trying to be positive for OTHER people, in a time when she's the one in need of others positivity.”

Due to the fact my daughter posted this back on July 17, there of course, have been so many things that have happened since that time regarding my treatments, doctors and more. They have also fallen into various categories: some good, some bad, some positive, some negative. When I started my blog, I was in a totally positive mode to help others and I hope that I have been able to do so. At times I feel that I have not been able to keep as positive of a theme as I originally wanted. Cancer in itself is not a positive item which makes it hard to always write about it in a positive manner. The treatments are a positive step in becoming a long term survivor, but they also can be a difficult experience, which makes writing about them in a positive mode all the time, very difficult.

I feel it is important for me to become a survivor. I refuse to let my daughter lose another parent to cancer. She has actually lost two very important people in her life to cancer already. Along with her father, she lost a very close adult friend when she was 13, whom she had loved dearly since her toddler years. These two important people in her life died on the exact same date, two years apart of each other. She has also dealt with the death of schoolmates and another close adult whose lives were taken suddenly in car accidents. There are other deaths that have touched her life deeply as well. She has had to deal with way too much, way too soon, in her young life. Thus, there is no alternative but for me to become a survivor. And I will.

My daughter has been very happy to see so many of you, my readers, who leave very positive and helpful comments to my posts. I also receive email on a regular basis from a number of you... also, always, very positive and helpful. I feel very blessed. There have been so many times that your words have helped me through the difficult times. Thank you for being here for me. And thank you for also showing my daughter there are very good people in this world. Among my readers are so many of you that, even though we haven't met in person, have still impacted my life forever.

Monday Blues

2005-10-10T15:56:00.000-05:00

So much for thinking this chemo was going to go better. I had my blood draw today and it is all over the place again. This time things are high in places they have never been high before (and shouldn't be) and the same with the low stuff. Very confusing. And since this morning today has been a downward slide of getting sicker and sicker and more pain. I called oncology and they told me this is Taxol doing a job on me and that it is likely I will feel like this for a few days.

So now all I keep thinking is only three more chemos to go and then I am done. Only three more chemos to go and then I am done. Only three more chemos to go...........

So Far after Chemo #5

2005-10-09T20:56:00.000-05:00

Chemo #5 has left me wiped out after the steroids wore off and the pain set in. Pain? Oh, yes, when they say there is a certain percentage of those that will get stabbing, aching, muscle, bone, joint, cursing, you are getting beat up type pain, I got it. But when I called them at 3:00 a.m. they understood right away from my description and a few hours later captain morphine had come to my aid. I have had a few bouts of nausea and vomiting but nothing compared to what it was like after each A/C. I am extremely tired and I am sure the morphine isn't exactly helping with that any right now. And I would rather have the morphine than the pain. Over all my mental state seems to be better. It isn't dragging me down as far as the A/C did. I like that a lot. My concentration level has been far worse though. It is a major effort to get anythng done, but that is working out ok because half the time I can't remember what it was I was supposed to be doing! :>) I do go through periods of feeling really good and then within minutes I feel really bad, completely drained and weak and all I can do is go lay down. The metallic taste in my mouth is different and a little nastier, but I am using Biotene toothpaste several times a day and that seems to help some. Overall, either I am getting used to the way chemo is or this chemo is one that I can deal with a little better. Which ever it is, I hope it stays that way!

Am still having one problem that was consistant from the start with A/C. My blood pressure jumps all over the board. The doctor doesn't have an answer for it. For the first six to seven days after each chemo it goes as high as 189/123 then down to 155/109 then back up. Then it starts a decline until it gets down to around 109/78, before it starts to get to my normal range. It seems when it is low like that my blood count has also dropped out. (My normal blood pressure is 130/85...and it is a controlled blood pressure as I have been taking blood pressure pills for about seven years now. When I was put on blood pressure pills, my blood pressure was 200/120 and I had a non-functioning kidney that was later removed). Sure wish I knew what is causing the variances in the pressure. It scares me sometimes.

Messin' with my template

2005-10-09T09:59:00.000-05:00

As you can tell I have been messing with my template. Am really tired of the massive quantity of pink. Never have been a girlie pink sort. Breast cancer awareness or not. So....I'm trying to get blue all the way down the sides, and leaving the pink at the top, bottom and in the center, but it isn't working! Will come back when I am not so tired. Off to rest/nap for a bit......

I'm back. Ah, how a nap and a few hours difference makes. Now the blue comes all the way down and I have made various other tweaks that I am happy with. Changed the heading...to just sunnyside2day. It is just so much easier than some long title up there. Also added my picture. This is actually the picture off my drivers license taken this year at time of renewal on my 53rd birthday. (Me? Procrastinate in things like waiting until the last minute to get my drivers license renewed? I'll have to get back to you on that tomorrow.) Rarely do I get a picture that I like, but this one is fairly good and it is the only one I have with just me in it...so it does the job.

Hope you like the tweaking on my template. I do for now. But knowing how I am I'll like it for a while and then get tired of it again and have to make more changes. Until then...this will do.

Cancer Awareness

2005-10-04T16:16:00.000-05:00

October brings us Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Over the years, I have been aware of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but only on a very light scale. Through the Breast Cancer Awareness program though, I did learn some time ago how to correctly do a self breast exam at home. Without that resource and knowledge, there is a good chance I would never have found the first lump of three in my left breast. The other two lumps were not even seen on the mammogram that followed after I found the first lump, but they where there, the second one was found when the lumpendectomy was done and the third was found against my breast wall when the mastectomy was done. If I had not found that first lump myself, in the relatively timely fashion that I did, I can only speculate what the outcome would have been. I have also been informed by two of my doctors that more women find their own lumps by doing the self exam than any other method of testing that is done. So it is obvious the education put forth by Breast Cancer Awareness month has been successful.

In the process of learning about breast cancer, I have also been learning about other cancers and paying closer attention to them. In doing so, I have found some issues that I feel need to be addressed. There are over 200 different types of cancers, yet there are only a few that you hear about in the media with publicity to increase awareness, early detection, donations and funding. Breast Cancer seems to be the leader and Prostate Cancer is starting to pick up speed. There is a smattering of awareness programs for Ovarian Cancer, Colon Cancer and Leukemia, but from there it seems to drop off, with others only being mentioned on occasion. For many types of cancers, the only time you will hear about them or they take front stage for a time, is when a celebrity announces they have a cancer of one type or another. And then often, even that fades into the background.

To give you an idea of the different types of cancers, I have provided a list of some of them. This is not a complete list, but it is does start to give you an idea of how many types there are and their names. If you are like most people, I am sure there are names on here that you have never heard of. Further information on many of these cancers can be found at

Oncolink

Adrenal Cancer
AIDS-related Lymphoma
Anal Cancer
Ataxia-Telangiectasia
Bladder Cancer
Brain Tumors
Brain Tumors (Childhood)
Brain Metastases
Breast Cancer
Carcinoma of Unknown Primary
Cervical Cancer
Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL)
Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML)
Colon Cancer Ovarian Cancer
Craniopharyngioma
Cutaneous T-Cell Lymphoma/Mycosis Fungoides
Endometrial and Uterine Cancer
Esophageal Cancer
Ewing's Sarcoma
Fallopian Tube Cancer
Gallbladder Cancer
Gastric Cancer
Gestational Trophoblastic Disease and Choriocarcinoma
Hairy Cell Leukemia
Head and Neck Cancer
Hodgkin's Disease
Kaposi's Sarcoma
Kidney Cancer
Laryngeal Cancer
Leukemia-- Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (ALL)
Leukemia-- Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML)
Li-Fraumeni Syndrome
Liver Cancer (Childhood)
Liver Cancer (Hepatoma)
Lung Cancer
Lymphomas: Hodgkin's Lymphoma (Childhood)
Lymphomas: Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (Childhood)
Medulloblastoma
Melanoma
Mesothelioma
Metastases
Myelomas
Myeloproliferative Disorders
Neuroblastoma
Non-Hodgkin's Disease
Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer
Oropharyngeal Cancers
Osteosarcoma
Pancreatic Cancer
Parathyroid Cancer
Penile Cancer
Pituitary Cancer
Prostate Cancer
Rectal Cancer
Retinoblastoma
Rhabdomyosarcoma and Other Soft-Tissue Sarcomas
Sarcomas: Osteosarcoma
Sarcomas: Rhabdomyosarcoma
Small Intestine Cancers
Small-Cell Lung Cancer
Testicular Cancer
Thymoma
Thyroid Cancer
Urethral Cancer
Vaginal Cancer
Vulvar Cancer
Wilms' Tumor

Each type of cancer has its own set of symptoms. How many can you name along with their symptoms? Symptoms for some of these cancers are as follows. The following information was obtained from:

The Cancer Cure Foundation - Symptoms

Bladder cancer: Blood in the urine, pain or burning upon urination; frequent urination; or cloudy urine

Bone cancer: Pain in the bone or swelling around the affected site; fractures in bones; weakness, fatigue; weight loss; repeated infections; nausea, vomiting, constipation, problems with urination; weakness or numbness in the legs; bumps and bruises that persist

Brain cancer: Dizziness; drowsiness; abnormal eye movements or changes in vision; weakness, loss of feeling in arms or legs or difficulties in walking; fits or convulsions; changes in personality, memory or speech; headaches that tend to be worse in the morning and ease during the day, that may be accompanied by nausea or vomiting

Breast cancer: A lump or thickening of the breast; discharge from the nipple; change in the skin of the breast; a feeling of heat; or enlarged lymph nodes under the arm

Colon/Colorectal cancer: Rectal bleeding (red blood in stools or black stools); abdominal cramps; constipation alternating with diarrhea; weight loss; loss of appetite; weakness; pallid complexion

Kidney cancer: Blood in urine; dull ache or pain in the back or side; lump in kidney area, sometimes accompanied by high blood pressure or abnormality in red blood cell count

Leukemia: Weakness, paleness; fever and flu-like symptoms; bruising and prolonged bleeding; enlarged lymph nodes, spleen, liver; pain in bones and joints; frequent infections; weight loss; night sweats

Lung cancer: Wheezing, persistent cough for months; blood-streaked sputum; persistent ache in chest; congestion in lungs; enlarged lymph nodes in the neck

Melanoma: Change in mole or other bump on the skin, including bleeding or change in size, shape, color, or texture

Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma: Painless swelling in the lymph nodes in the neck, underarm, or groin; persistent fever; feeling of fatigue; unexplained weight loss; itchy skin and rashes; small lumps in skin; bone pain; swelling in the abdomen; liver or spleen enlargement

Oral cancer: A lump in the mouth, ulceration of the lip, tongue or inside of the mouth that does not heal within a couple of weeks; dentures that no longer fit well; oral pain, bleeding, foul breath, loose teeth, and changes in speech

Ovarian cancer: Abdominal swelling; in rare cases, abnormal vaginal bleeding; digestive discomfort

Pancreatic cancer: Upper abdominal pain and unexplained weight loss; pain near the center of the back; intolerance of fatty foods; yellowing of the skin; abdominal masses; enlargement of liver and spleen

Prostate cancer: Urination difficulties due to blockage of the urethra; bladder retains urine, creating frequent feelings of urgency to urinate, especially at night; bladder not emptying completely; burning or painful urination; bloody urine; tenderness over the bladder; and dull ache in the pelvis or back

Stomach cancer: Indigestion or heartburn; discomfort or pain in the abdomen; nausea and vomiting; diarrhea or constipation; bloating after meals; loss of appetite; weakness and fatigue; bleeding - vomiting blood or blood in the stool

Uterine cancer: Abnormal vaginal bleeding, a watery bloody discharge in postmenopausal women; a painful urination; pain during intercourse; pain in pelvic area

There are many advanced tests available for early detection. Please check the out the following website for information on tests as well.

The Cancer Cure Foundation

I recently came across a blog of a woman who goes by Elnser.
She has Ovarian Cancer. Her post, titled “I Think I Got the Wrong Cancer (a vent/opinion)” has further insight into how it feels to have a type of cancer that doesn’t get the fan-fair that another cancer does. I agree with her thoughts. It is a very isolating feeling to have a cancer that doesn’t seem to be as important to the world as another type of cancer.

In as much as I am very grateful that Breast Cancer is being addressed so heavily at a time when I have it, I feel it is important for equal attention to be given to all cancers. Yes, of course, I feel my life and my becoming a survivor is important, but the saving of my life should not take precedence over also saving the life of someone with Ovarian Cancer or Brain Cancer or any Cancer for that matter. Cancer is cancer. Awareness, early detection information, equal funding for research and cures of all cancers needs to be made and put in the public eye for all to become informed.

So here is my tribute and promotion to Breast Cancer Awareness Month. But let us consider a new agenda. An agenda for an overall ongoing Cancer Awareness program that brings forth information, early detection knowledge, funding, donations, and fund raising events for ALL cancers on a regular basis. Every one, no matter what type of cancer, what their age, or their status in life, rich or poor, well known or not, should be entitled to have the same chance to live and become survivors of this horrid disease called Cancer.

Chemo #5 Administered!

2005-10-03T22:49:00.000-05:00

Today went well. Mega dose of steroids, benadryl and then the chemo, Taxol. No allergic reaction of any type. Long day, but good day over all.

My daughter went with and I am so glad she was there in case something went wrong. It was very comforting to have her there. I know she started to get anxious with the long time frame.....a seven hour day of being there plus the travel time of over four hours because we had to make two other short stops also.

When we got there we noticed a strange noise coming from the front left wheel area. We weren't able to check it until after we left though due to getting there in the nick of time, and after the session I was flying high on the steroids. Full steam ahead enough that I told her I have a brilliant idea for checking out the wheel. Feeling invincible and very strong at the moment, I told her I would just lift up the front of the car and she could look underneath! She had already been observing how the steroids were affecting me so she got a good laugh on that one. Don't worry, I didn't try it! :>)

Sorry about all the misspelled words in my last post. I guess I was even more tired than I knew! I will get around to (maybe) making proper corrections one of these days, but right now it isn't a top priority. Hopefully when I look at this post I am posting right now, tomorrow, I won't find the same problem! Typing on steroids makes for some strange writing! Sleeping ought to be a blast tonight too!

Chemo # 5

2005-10-02T22:10:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow morning, (Monday), is Chemo #5. New chemo: Taxol with steriod chasers! Or is that steriods with chemo for the chaser? Whichever, it is the start of something new and also the start of the second half of my chemo. After this only three more to go. I can't even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to the end of chemo!

My daughter is going with me. I know it is going to be a very long rather boring day for her as it would be for most 19 year olds. We have to be there by 10:00 a.m. for labs, (which means leave here by 8:00 a.m.), 11:00 for the doctor appointment and noon for the chemo. I was told this chemo takes even longer that the A/C.

I feel bad for my daughter, money is so tight around here there isn't even enough for me to give her to buy pop or food or anything tomorrow to get through the day. And she is in the same boat right now with all the hassels going on in trying to buy a car. (Nope, we still haven't been able to solve that dilema.) So, tomorrow will be a very long day in many ways.

It is going to be a wonderful thing to get on the other side of all this! Course, in January I get to have my teeth pulled, so there is still a long road ahead. I saw the oral surgeron this last Wednesday and he explained all that needs to be done and what fun I will have afterwards for a while. I know it isn't going to be the best time of my life, but at least I won't be going through chemo at the same time, so that is a relief!

I feel like I am rambling here. Sorry about that. I am really tired tonight. If I wait a little while the steriods that I took already might kick in, but then I could be in a world of trouble and no sleep before I need to take the next batch. And that doesn't sound like a good plan to me. So, I'm off to bed.

Those were the days …. And then there is Now …..

2005-09-26T22:45:00.000-05:00

Please, oh please, take me back to the good old days of the $100.00 wonder cars. Those great cars that looked rough and the mileage was some figure that no one could verify because the odometers didn’t go that high. They could last you anywhere from one day to five years. But heck, for a $100.00 (and often less) you would take a chance and it would get you by.

Today’s $100.00 wonder comes in at around two grand. Sure, there are cars out there for less ... and those are REALLY scary!

Ok, so now we have established the baseline. $2,000.00 will get you a car that generally has around 150,000 to 200,000 miles on it and it is guaranteed that grandpa didn’t put those miles on. That is a lot of money for a car that might make it one day or five years. Big crap shoot!

Working our way up to a car that has mileage that makes sense (maybe), looks reasonable and actually runs to boot, a person is now looking at $6,000 and up. And sure, everyone has that type of money just sitting in their wallet waiting to go to their nearest car dealership.

So, now we have established the first of the criteria, a person has to get a LOAN to get a car. But there is a catch. In order to get a loan you have to have credit of some type. Heck, even bad credit counts as credit of some type. If you don’t have credit, you can’t get a loan to establish credit. It doesn’t matter how good your job is, you still need credit to get credit.

So, now we have established the second criteria. If you have no credit, you will need a co-signer. And the co-signer has to have credit AND they seem to think the co-signer should have a job too. Geez, this is getting so complicated!

All my daughter wants is a car she can 1)afford (which personally I think is a very good idea to keep it in that range) 2) that looks reasonably nice (nothing fancy mind you, just not dented, rusted, crappy looking) as she has a job that it does make a difference, 3) is big enough to hold the photo studio setup she needs to cart around, but efficient enough to still get good gas mileage as her job requires a lot of traveling, 4) a car that will last that traveling she has to do for her job (Wisconsin, Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, Indiana and sometimes even as far away as Pennsylvania etc.) and 5) that will hopefully last long enough to make it beyond the final payment. Is that too much too ask?

YEP! It seems it is. There is a definite conflict here. Price versus the rest of the needs. Then add the fact that she doesn’t have any credit yet and needs a co-signer that has both credit and a job. Well, I fit one of the two. I have credit. Maybe not the best in the world, due to various circumstances, but I have credit all the same. Lucky me. But the job thing .... well, we all know what happened to that the day I told my boss of nine years that I have cancer! End of job! Vanished. Evaporated into thin air! Amazing how I could be so needed and appreciated for nine years and have it change in two seconds! (I’ll have to remember to write him a thank you note someday! ...never mind, I would probably be arrested if I did that!)

In my previous post I noted that my daughter had a pre-approved loan at a dealership, (which is another very long story) and that is where we went today. When we got there we met with the salesman that we had been dealing with on the phone up to this point. I will refer to him from here on as “Mr. F” (no I am not being a smart ass ... his name did actually start with F). My daughter and I had already checked out their used cars on their website and had an idea of what would fit in her price range. As we started looking around the lot, Mr. F. filled us in on a little information he seemed to have forgotten to tell us on the phone prior to driving the 70 miles to his car lot. The loan is only good for a certain type and name brand of car. AND he only has one car that fits the requirements.

My daughter and I looked at each other and we didn’t even have to speak to know what we were each thinking! But, because of the bind she is in right now (no car, a job that has to have a car, and only one day every two weeks that she can even look for a car, because otherwise she is on the road for her job) she decided to at least check it out. When we walked up to “THE” car, the look on her face was priceless. Problem one. Too small. Problem two, twice as much money as she said she wanted and felt comfortable to spend. When we asked what the interest rate would be? Mr. F. replied with “15.1% and the payments would be around $300.00 a month”. My daughter’s jaw dropped. Add insurance to that and she is looking at $450.00 a month ... maybe more, plus maintenance etc. Mr. F’s response, “well, at least it is a car that you can get a loan on.” Great! A loan that is way too much money, that most likely will become a major burden and end up in late payments or worse and I get to co-sign to boot! Wow, what a deal! NOT! By the way, the car was priced at $1500.00 over high blue book and they stated they couldn't lower the price because of THE special loan they were doing. Plus there were some major problems with the car. We didn’t just walk. We ran! Oh, we were nice about it. Thanked him and all that, but explained that she wants to make sure she can DO this and do it RIGHT. She is trying so hard to make sure she can afford the car and the insurance and that the car will fits her needs.

So now we are back to square one. No car. No credit. No loan. No immediate cash to buy one and no time to save to do so as a car is needed now. Not later. Later equals no job anymore. No job anymore….well I guess I don’t have to go into detail with that one!

So that was our day. If you are ever in Milwaukee looking to buy a car, we can tell you the names of a salesman and dealership you might want to avoid. Just drop me a line and I would be happy to provide the information.

We can also tell you the name of a dealership and a salesman that are great. Also in Milwaukee. (Part of the original long story that I haven’t told yet). Even though this salesman and this dealership have not been able put my daughter and a car together, the personalized care we have received has been fantastic. These people listen. These people care. These people will try very very hard to make something work. (The hangup we had is her lack of credit and my lack of job for co-signer status.) The dealership name? Saturn of Milwaukee. The salesman’s name: Brent Biesterfeld. And please, tell him Mary and Darci sent you. (The chemo-bald one and the tall one) No, we don’t get anything for the name dropping. We just want to let him know we appreciate everything he tried to do for us. There is another person there that deserves recognition too, Joyce in Financing. We can’t say enough good about these people. I never thought I would actually find a car dealership that I would ever recommend to anyone. But this one is different. Much different. Someday, we hope to be in a better position to be able to buy a car from them. Until that time, all we can do is pass along their names to others that may be in need of good care and a good vehicle.

My daughter just checked her voice mail on her cell phone and guess what. Mr F called and left a message for her. Quote "I have great news for you". Yah, I bet he does!

Current Events

2005-09-25T23:50:00.000-05:00

1) Thank you Heather at http://epnurse.blogspot.com for helping me with my blog loading problem in IE. Your suggestion worked perfectly. Due to that, I knew what to look for in my hubby's blog and he fixed his as well.

2) Yep, Friday was blood draw day. Yep, after results were in, received the expected call from the oncologist office. This time they let me know my counts are "very dangerously low". We discussed, I told her I know the drill.... I also discussed that I am starting to wonder if the steriod I get with chemo and for the next two days after might be part of my getting so sick every time problem. She said I may have some valid concerns. I will be talking to my doctor soon.......

3) I am very glad that Rita did not do the damage that it could have, but I am still sad that it did still do damage. On a good note, I am very very glad that the people that could have been affected were not. I have heard from all but one of them and everyone was either not close enough to be affected or managed to evacuate. I am still waiting to hear from one though.......... but I am guessing they are fine with the way Rite ended up going.

4) Tomorrow, my daugher and I will do the thrilling task of going to a car dealership to buy a car. Her car blew up...oil and water now in places they shouldn't be ... a couple of weeks ago and it has been a very stressful time since. Loan places don't want to give loans to 19 year olds anymore without a co-signer and for some reason they seem to think the co-signer should be employed also, which as we know, I am not. Just seems no one has a sense of humor anymore. Due to a chain of events, which I will discuss when I am not so tired, a dealership finally agreed to work out a pre-approved loan for her and will allow me to co-sign. We have never been to this dealership (which is located in Milwuakee), so we have no idea what to expect, or what type of cars they have on their lot. After everything we have been through on this though, there are no choices but to buy a car on this lot. Otherwise she doesn't have a car and she will then be fired from her job. And if she is fired from her job, she won't be able to buy a car. And living in rural America the way we do, she has to have a car to have a job. There are no jobs to be had in this little burg we live in. As I think I have mentioned before, we even have to travel a minimum of 9 miles to get to the nearest gas station. So..... tomorrow could be interesting, but hopefully it will work out fine.

5) This is actually creepy…..

Study Finds Higher Rate of Disease in Left-Handed Women

My daughter is left handed.

Blogger / Blogspot Problem?

2005-09-24T20:27:00.000-05:00

Sometime last week hubby and I both noticed a problem when some blogger blogs load in IE (Internet Explorer) including ours. I also just read on another blogger post that they too are having the same problem.

When bringing up either of our blogs in Firefox (which is the browser we use), they load fine. All columns, left and right, are where they should be. When loading in IE the posts column loads fine but the profile, links, etc column either doesn't load or it loads way far down on the page past the end of the posts column.

I have written to blogger concerning this, but have not received a reply.

Is anyone else having this problem? Does anyone know how to correct it?

May I not speak too soon....

2005-09-22T20:49:00.000-05:00

Just a quick update... yes, I have been pretty darn sick again, but today, I am feeling somewhat better. Still very fatigued, stomach problems, eating problems etc. and I can tell my counts are dropping out, but I am certainly feeling better than the last few days. I am hoping I am not speaking too soon and things keep improving. :>)

On another note...

I am very concerned for the bloggers I correspond with who are in the Texas area where Hurricane Rita is projected to hit. Please.... may you and your loved ones be safe. My thoughts and prayers are with each of you.

On The Lighter Side

2005-09-15T21:53:00.000-05:00

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Vector Skier
Your Superpower is Electrocution
Your Weakness is Quizzes
Your Weapon is Your Plasma Lance
Your Mode of Transportation is Canoe

What's your Superhero Name?

My weapon is Plasma Lance......whoa..... Plasma = blood type stuff.....hmmm.... I think I will have to think about that one! But I do believe a canoe would be a good idea as I think I need something to keep me afloat right now!

My blood counts were low again last Friday.... really low. But I know the drill now... stay home, don't touch people, don't let them touch me, don't touch fresh fruits and veggies, watch my temperature, watch my blood pressure, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Tomorrow is chemo #4. The half way point. I am looking forward to it and dreading it, both at the same time. And for good reason! Both of them!

An interesting observation:

For years I have worn jeans. I have even managed to have jobs where jeans were ok in the office. For years, I have carried a comb in the back left pocket of my jeans. Always. It would get transferred from one days jeans to the next days jeans. Recently, I realized that I am still transferring that comb from one pair of jeans to the next. I don't know where I think I am going to find hair to comb, but I am still carrying the comb! I guess old habits really are hard to break!

Maybe I'm just looking forward to the day my hair grows back. It is already growing back, but certainly an eighth of an inch is not enough to warrant a comb yet. Oh, and by the way, for those that don't know me in person, my hair color prior to chemo - dark brown; my hair color as it is growing back in after chemo fallout - white with strands of dark brown throughout. And at this point it is white white..... not grey, white. I think it is kinda cool, but I may just be blinded by the fact that I am happy as hell it is growing back! I am hoping the new chemo drug Taxol, which I will be receiving for the last four chemo sessions, (after tomorrows chemo), doesn't make the little bit of growth I have fall out again.

Hopefully I will be posting again soon. Hopefully this chemo will be nicer to my body. If not, I will blog again as soon as I can.

The week that lasted forever.....

2005-09-09T21:04:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a week that lasted forever? And during that week were you so out of things that you actually missed the week all together? Well, that is how it has been for me for the last seven days……… the week from hell. I have been so damn sick that I wasn’t able to do anything. The simple things like getting out of bed, breathing, eating, talking, concentration, etc. were real problems! As the days came and went I realized they all just blended into each other.

I had chemo number three on Friday, September 2nd. I still had not recovered fully from chemo number two that was done two weeks earlier. I won’t bother to mention all the gory details…the summary: it hasn’t been fun. Tuesday was the worst day…..and I should have been scared out of my wits, but I was too sick to even care.

It has become obvious that I am not one of those people whose body just slides through chemo with minimum problems. Nope. My body hates chemo. That is all there is to it. And for those who are quick to say “just keep a positive attitude”, let me tell you, I have a positive attitude and it IS my positive attitude that is keeping me going. But, I am tired of hearing “just keep a positive attitude” And for those that like to sit there and pass judgment, making it seem like it is my fault. It isn’t.

After talking to a number of people that have either gone through chemo or had a close loved one go through it, there is a general agreement that the rosy picture the media and in some cases, even the medical profession, are trying to feed us that chemo has gotten so much better over the last few years is a very dangerous picture to paint. They are even doing it on TV commercials. You know the ones. The ones where they tell you “I’m ready for chemo now” because the patient will be taking this or that drug and they are going to do chemo and then go spend a wonderful time with their grandchildren etc. B.S. While that may be true for some, it is certainly not true for everyone. To be giving this type of idea to the general population is doing a terrible injustice to those that don’t have an easy time with chemo or other cancer therapies. It unjustly places fault directly on the patient at a time in their life that can be most damaging. A cancer patient has enough to contend with, they don’t need to be needlessly feeling like are a loser too.

A while back I read a comment left by a reader on a cancer blog that stated “Cancer requires a massive amount of bravery. I have known many people who have simply given up because of how miserable the treatment can make them.” In reference to this statement it becomes apparent that this person most likely has never dealt with cancer or the treatments first hand. Yes, there may be a few cancer patients that "simply give up" but for the majority, it is a much more complex decision than that. Cancer not only invades the body, it invades the emotional and mental well being of a person. Cancer is brutal. The treatments are brutal. Cancer does not just affect the person that has been diagnosed; it directly affects every person close to them.

For some cancer patients, they believe that to allow death is to allow life for everyone around them. For some, the pain they see and feel their loved ones deal with day in and day out, as the cancer patient deals with each issue, is very hard. They want to release that person from the pain. For some, they may not have the health care that is supportive enough. Some do not have the support of those around them. Some have information from their health care providers that they do not share with their loved ones. Some are told they aren’t “positive” enough. Some are even made to believe it is their entire fault, that if they had just lived a better life, they wouldn’t have gotten cancer. If that were the case, please explain to me why there are so many people on death row in prisons that have murdered people in horrible ways and done other human atrocities that are healthy as can be.

For those that think all it takes is a positive attitude, think carefully before you speak this thought to a cancer patient. And for those that think a cancer patient “simply gives up”, think again. Cancer is not simple. The decisions that have to be made once diagnosed are not simple. Until you walk in a cancer patient’s shoes, you will never know how it really feels or what it takes to deal with the issues involved.

If you are wondering after this rant, if I am deciding on not going through any more chemo…..wonder no further. I am continuing. I will succeed. I will survive. But I also am now learning that not only do I have to fight the chemo, I have to fight my body’s reaction to chemo.

And as far as being positive. Yep, I am positive. I am positive now that cancer sucks, chemo sucks, low blood counts suck, not being able to work sucks and only having occasional glimpses at a life right now sucks.

Let's Show Them We Care... Let's GiveThem A Future

2005-08-31T09:04:00.000-05:00

Watching the live stream coverage of Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama online since Saturday has been heart wrenching. The worse part is that each day, instead of improving, things are getting worse and worse for the people in these states. My tears have streamed down as I have watched the horror unfolding for these people. The lives that have been lost, the lives that have been transformed and everything these people had and knew that was lost in a matter of minutes/hours is mind boggling. There were those that got through the hurricane itself with their lives and belongings. Briefly, they may have thought they were going to be O.K. Now even these people have lost everything. And more lives have been lost. I fear for the survivors. They need our help.

These people are our own. We have rushed in to help those in other countries upon disasters striking. Now, disaster has struck here. It is imperative we help our own.

I have listed various phone numbers below of organizations you can contact to make donations. In almost all cases, these organizations can be located online and accept donations online as well.

From the CNN.com website:

The Federal Emergency Management Agency lists these organizations for those seeking to assist victims of Hurricane Katrina:

Donate cash
American Red Cross (800) HELP NOW (435-7669) English; (800) 257-7575 Spanish
Operation Blessing (800) 436-6348
America's Second Harvest (800) 344-8070

To donate cash or volunteer
Adventist Community Services (800) 381-7171
Catholic Charities, USA (703) 549-1390
Christian Disaster Response (941) 956-5183 or (941) 551-9554
Christian Reformed World Relief Committee (800) 848-5818
Church World Service (800) 297-1516
Convoy of Hope (417) 823-8998
Lutheran Disaster Response (800) 638-3522
Mennonite Disaster Service (717) 859-2210
Nazarene Disaster Response (888) 256-5886
Presbyterian Disaster Assistance (800) 872-3283
Salvation Army (800) SAL-ARMY (725-2769)
Southern Baptist Convention -- Disaster Relief (800) 462-8657, ext. 6133
United Methodist Committee on Relief (800) 554-8583

Please find it in your heart to donate. ANY AMOUNT is appreciated. All amounts will be used. Don’t think that just because it is a small amount that you should just forget it, that it won’t matter. It WILL matter. Every single dollar will help get these people food, clothing, shelter, medicine, and medical attention. Many will need help for a very, very long time.

Prayers are also needed. Regardless of your personal beliefs, all positive energies directed to those in need can very well make a difference.

---for those wondering, yes, I have made a donation to the Red Cross 2005 Hurricane Relief Fund. (The bill collectors have waited this long, they can wait longer.... Sometimes, there are far more important things that need to be addressed and this is one of those times.) I personally chose the Red Cross because I wanted to make sure the money was put into immediate needs. But there are other organizations that will take over after the Red Cross leaves and this is going to be very much needed also. So please consider these as well.

Hurricane Katrina

2005-08-29T21:09:00.000-05:00

As I sit here watching the live stream news and videos coming out of New Orleans, I find myself dealing with a number of emotions.

First and foremost is sadness. Sadness for those who have lost their lives. Lost their lives because some felt they had no alternatives. Some who lost their lives because they were too caught up in material items to leave them behind. Some who lost their lives because they were in that place and moment in time where a life was taken. And then there is my sadness for the people who have just lost everything they own, their homes, their jobs, their businesses. Their lives have been changed forever.

Secondly, I feel despair. Despair because so many people were still in the city that would have liked to have been able to leave but couldn’t. Many of them couldn’t because they didn’t have a vehicle to do so. Looking at the videos there is a common item throughout frame after frame. Vehicles. Vehicles parked. Vehicles under water. Vehicles floating. Vehicles that were left behind by those that either had more than one vehicle or vehicles owned by those who chose to not leave. Why didn’t the owners of the vehicles that were just sitting there or were being left behind throw the car keys to someone that didn’t have a car that DID want to leave? What would have the harm been to do this? Did they really believe that they were going to come back and find their vehicles still parked safely as they left them? If they did, then they sure weren’t actually realizing why they were even leaving. But earlier, on Saturday and again on Sunday, they showed videos of people leaving and they did indeed know why they were leaving. They knew New Orleans was facing massive destruction. And they knew that destruction was most likely going to be all encompassing. It sure wasn’t going to just destroy everything else and leave all the vehicles left behind alone.

There have been various times in my life that I had done various things for people because it was what was needed at the time. Had I been in New Orleans this weekend and had an extra car, I would have given the keys to another so they too, could get out. I would have simply given them my name, address (as I knew it at the moment), phone number or some other reference information and said, “Go. Go with my blessings.” And I would not have worried about it any further. If the car came back someday, great. If it didn’t, so what? From the experiences in my past, I have learned most people would go out of their way to make sure the vehicle got back to the person that lent it to them under these types of conditions. And to save another’s life would have been fantastic. A life is priceless. A car can be replaced eventually.

I also find myself appalled. There have been several videos shown of people staying and drinking in the French Quarter while evacuation orders were in place. Drinking and partying. Standing in the streets singing as the rains starting coming in. Why does alcohol have such a strong force to alter logic? What the heck were these people thinking? And where are these people today? I hope they were able to find logic eventually. I hope they are safe. I hope they now realize that not everything is cause for a party. I truly hope they had the hell scared out of them.

Lastly, I have become thoroughly disgusted upon hearing there are people already looting. Looting! For what good reason? I guess there are things that I will never understand. Just what do these people think they are really getting away with? They are not stealing food items and coats or shoes to survive. No. They have been seen taking electronics, jewelry and other items that certainly can not be considered survival necessities. If they were stealing for survival, I think it could be understood, perhaps even forgiven. But to take just because they think they can? And where the heck are they planning on 1) storing these items? and 2) plugging these items in or using them? What the heck is the purpose here?

For a number of those who have survived throughout Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama, survival will be bleak. While many will rebuild, recoup, others will never be able to recover. The areas hit hard by hurricane Katrina are also among the poorest areas of this country. For a large number of those fortunate enough to hold full time jobs prior to Katrina, there are no jobs to go back to. Many will not have insurance to cover their losses. The few articles of clothing and items with them are now all they have.

It is a very sad day indeed. My heart and prayers go out to everyone affected by Katrina.

Neutrophils and other blood things running amok

2005-08-26T23:10:00.000-05:00

Look at all these big words I am learning. And they say they can’t teach an old dog new tricks. HA!

Once again, today’s lesson is brought to you because of cancer cells that decided to go on their own little mission in my body. Thanks to these cancer cells, which brought on chemo, which bring on blood draws and other fun stuff, today I again learned the meaning of Neutrophils and how a low count like 8 is not a good thing.

(link to info on Neutrophils)

Perhaps I should confess. I actually learned the word Neutrophils after my first chemo. It was the zero Neutrophils count (yes, I printed that correctly, my count was ZERO at time of admission) along with other wonderful low numbers that they said should be high numbers and one or two high numbers that they said should be low numbers, that landed me in the hospital.

So I count myself lucky this time. I am here writing this instead of being awoken at odd hours of the morning to see if I am sleeping OK in some strange uncomfortable bed that if you push the wrong button you will fold up in the shape of a skinny letter “V”.

Due to the results of my blood draw today, I got an immediate phone call from the cancer center. I get to be on house arrest until further notice without the benefit of a stylish ankle bracelet like Martha Stewart gets to wear. (I wonder if they make them in pink?) And if things don’t improve dramatically, I get to miss my next scheduled chemo this coming Friday, too.

The call did make me feel very good about my new choice of cancer centers. The nurse was very helpful, very informative, very nice and most of all….very concerned. After speaking with her I realized why I have been feeling so crappy the last couple of days. I did everything possible this time to make this second chemo a good experience (somehow the words “chemo” and “good experience” seem to contradict each other). I wanted so much to just get this going, continue going and get to the other side. But I guess my body has something else in mind. (What I didn’t tell her, but I am now suspecting is that yesterday, my counts were probably even lower and today they are actually on the UPSWING!) But you can be darn sure, I am going to be very careful and watch things closely over the next few days/week!

Dreaming

2005-08-26T02:59:00.000-05:00

Time to change the subject….for a bit at least. Actually I have to admit I was getting rather bored with writing about cancer and/or treatments all the time anyway.

I am sitting here are 2:39 a.m., technically it is Friday morning, writing this. I awoke from the strangest dream. This makes two nights in a row (that I remember) with weird dreams. Dreams that border on nightmares but do not quite cross the line.

Tonight I was dreaming in German. How the heck can I dream in German? I don’t know a single word of German. Yet, here I was, in Germany, walking down a street, in Germany, and I went into a library. German, of course. It was a very long, building and had various levels within. The ceilings were very tall and the sculpture on the walls very ornate. There were rows and rows of books, some of which were centuries old. People were talking to me in German and I did not understand all of it, but I seemed to understand enough to make sense.

The dream is already fading, but when I first woke up, I vaguely remembered dreaming in German last night, too.

Yes, I do have fairly strong German ancestry. My dad’s side. In fact my maiden name is of German decent. But what the heck can dreaming in German mean? I have never been to Germany. No one in my family speaks German. The only one that might have been able to speak any amount of German would have been my Grandmother and she passed many years ago. I do not remember her speaking German, I just believe she knew some and I may even be wrong about her knowing any German at all.

???????

2005-08-25T07:54:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was not good. As the day progressed it got worse. Is this typical? Five days after chemo?

This morning I am somewhat better but still not feeling too good. I am hoping it gets better as this day goes on.

Also, can someone please tell me how to get rid of this awful taste in my mouth? It is there all the time now. I can’t tell if foods are good or bad or maybe even spoiled. Nothing tastes right. Everything has this awful taste. And the taste is making me sick to my stomach.

What a difference!!!!!

2005-08-23T21:37:00.000-05:00

To this point, chemo #2 has been an entirely different experience than chemo #1. Everyone who saw me or spoke to me after I was given chemo #1 and has now seen or spoke to me after chemo #2 has been amazed. It has become very obvious to all that I received very poor health care at the first facility for chemo #1. It is also becoming apparent the oncologist and the others at the first facility did not know what they were doing or didn’t pay attention to what they were doing or a combination of both.

This time, I am actually able to function. Oh, I have some of the typical things that come along with chemo such as the vomiting and the nausea….regardless of the pills I have to counteract it. The steroids supercharged me for a short time and then dropped out. (But I sure got a lot of stuff done during the supercharged state!) Odors are surrounding me where I never noticed them before and some foods just seem way too gross to even think about eating. Even some of my favorite foods just don’t seem very appealing. Then there is the normal fatigue, body weakness and achy bones. Sometimes, I simply don’t feel too good.

The new cancer center showed me how to give myself the Neulasta shot and I did it just fine the next day after chemo. The pain in my bones from the Neulasta is being kept down due to the pain pills but at the same time, I have only had to take a couple of the pain pills. My teeth are not bothering me at all. I find that one very interesting! And it isn’t because I had a lot of work done on them between this chemo and the first one…..I didn’t. All the dentist had time to do was clean them. I will be going back in after all the chemo and have the rest of the work done on my teeth that is needed. It can’t be put off forever, but at least, as far as I am concerned, the reactions I am showing to chemo #2 has proven it was not my teeth that caused all the problems and certainly did not cause my near death experience with chemo #1!

I realize it is still early. I just had session number two on Friday and this is only Tuesday, but at this same time frame last time, I was so weak I couldn’t get out of bed for any length of time, I was having trouble walking, the pain I was enduring was excruciating, I couldn’t focus my eyes and it was a major effort to talk.

You can be sure I am keeping a close eye on everything right now. Friday I will have my blood draw done to see what my counts are. Those numbers should also tell a story all in themselves!

Very Strange!

2005-08-21T10:31:00.000-05:00

Currently 10:37 a.m. Sunday

Couldn't sleep last night. Energy level is super high. Feel like I could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Having trouble sitting still. My hands are actually shaking from the energy rush. When I crash down from this I have a feeling it is gonna be a big crash and burn!

Today’s Update – (After Chemo #2 yesterday)

2005-08-20T23:03:00.000-05:00

So far, so good! Look, I’m even able to look at the monitor and tap the keys to make words!

What a difference from chemo round number one!

My observations/body feeling/mental feelings summary for yesterday and up to now:
Feeling overall pretty damn good!
Eyes are only slightly sensitive to light.
Ears have become more sensitive to sounds. (some are bothering the heck out me!)
No headache! No migraine this time!
No nausea thus far – probably because of the great nausea pills I am taking
Started getting acid reflux and heartburn – but took the pills they gave me and it is being kept at bay
Body is achy, but nothing I can’t deal with.
Face is a flushed red color, but I am not running a fever.
Body temperature is having some difficulty staying regulated.
Eating is not a problem.
But I am losing my appetite… simply am not hungry.
Drinking fluids is not a problem and I am making sure to down all the fluids as they recommended. (Could be why I am not hungry!)
Sense of smell is increasing slightly.
Worse reactions thus far: Sinus pressure set in (started yesterday) and is building, today fatigue and mild weakness is setting in.
I did need to take a nap today.

Gave myself the shot of Neulasta at 4:30 this afternoon – no problem! Easy to do!

At around 9:30, started to feel bone pain from the Neulasta, especially in my face, jaw, head, neck, shoulders. My face feels hot, especially in the upper jaw area, but still not running a fever. Took one of the heavy duty pain pills that they gave me and all I have is a very slight residue left. I am allowed to take two of them at a time at a time, but I chose not to because I wasn’t waiting to see if the pain was going to keep increasing, Due to experience from first chemo, I already know that it will…..so I figured catching it this early, one pill should do it. I will take second one only if I have to. I do not like pain pills and how they make me feel, but I like pain even less, so I only take what I absolutely need to.

I feel like a mini pharmacy. To keep which pills I am taking at what time and when I take them straight, I made a form with all the meds listed, color and size of each for recognition purposes, dosages and directions, what the pills are for and a mini day by day weekly calendar to enter the times I take them. This way, not only I know what they are and when I last took one, but my family will know too.

So that is my update for today. I am looking forward to still feeling well enough to do another update tomorrow. Until then, I say goodnight!

Chemo #2, Second Post, Same Day!

2005-08-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

Wow. Second post in one day!

It was a long day. Hubby and I arrived at 10:50 this morning. I was finally done at 5:00 this afternoon!

I was armed with my list and made my stand known. Yes, I was nice about it, but I WAS firm! This time I wanted answers for everything. I wanted details on everything they were doing and the exact names and specs on everything they were putting in me. I felt bad for the nurse, but my being this way is due to the lessons I learned the hard way the first time around! I did take the time to explain to her why I am being my own advocate. No, I didn’t tell her all the gory details, but enough so she could see there had been several problems before and the outcome of those problems. Once she heard them, she understood.

Here is the BIG difference from the first place I received chemo number one from. This nurse already had a lot of the information ready for me, and assured me I would be receiving it. And regarding the issues that needed to be ironed out such as coordinating between oncology and my dentist, no problem. She called him up right away and took care of it. My oncologist had forgotten to leave a prescription for pain pills for me today (she was gone today), but again, the nurse checked it out and took care of it. I did happen to mention that if the pain pills and dentist issues could not be taken care of before my chemo today, I would not be doing chemo and it would need to be rescheduled. She knew I was serious. It took about 45 minutes to get it all straighten out, but she did it and did it fantastically! And she still kept smiling!

The chemo itself was given to me at a much slower rate than the first time. Thus the reason this session was so long. The way I look at it, I have all the time in the world to live! I have no problem with their taking all the time they feel is necessary to work towards a successful session and to alleviate reactions from the chemo and/or the other meds.

And here is something else I find fantastic. My dentist is the one who called me this morning, at 9:00 a.m., as he knew I was scheduled for chemo today and he was worried that he had not been able to reach my oncologist yet. This dentist is wonderful. Talk about a doctor taking a REAL interest in their patient’s health and well being!

Yes, I think, I hope and I feel that finally I have a good team.

They gave me all kinds of things to work on keeping the nausea at bay, reducing the heartburn and acid reflux, keeping the pain to a minimum (I am hoping I don’t even get pain this time) and the shot of Neulasta, which I will be giving to myself tomorrow. The nurse sat with me and showed me how to do self injections. Before she showed me, she asked if I felt I would be able to give myself a shot. I told her that I am pretty much capable of anything I put my mind too. We both got a laugh out of that when she replied “I do believe you are. I have seen that myself today!” Yes, she did get a good dose of my strong-minded/willed side! And at least we were both able to laugh about it and part on a happy note.

Tonight I am feeling good! I am looking forward to still feeling good when I wake up in the morning.

And to my well-wishers who left me the touching comments on my first post today…… THANK YOU! I read them soon after arriving back home today and they made me feel even that much better!

(Geez, I sure hope there are not any English/grammar teachers reading this blog….I have been getting worse and worse with my sentence structure and proper noun, verb, adjective etc. usage! I can picture the marked up version, in red of course, that would be sent back to me! An “F” in grammar is short for “fabulous”, right?

Today is the day....again......

2005-08-19T07:16:00.000-05:00

Finally today has come. Chemo number two. Seems like so long ago that I had chemo number one. It HAS been!

This one brings mixed emotions. I am looking forward to it. Looking forward to getting on with this whole thing and getting beyond it. Getting all of this behind me and getting back to living a life without treatments, doctors, blood draws, etc on a weekly/daily basis!

At the same time, I am scared of what it is going to bring after what happened with and after chemo number one.

Basically I am starting all over and am learning all new, just how chemo is REALLY going to effect me.

I do feel I am in much better hands now and professionals that know what they are doing are going to be administering it this time.

If I don't post again for days, you will know my reaction to the chemo was not good. Last time things were so bad I could not deal with lights or the monitor glare and even turning down the contrast and brightness did not help. I simply could not use the computer for several weeks..... and that one was hard to take. Computers are a huge part of my life.

But here is to chemo going much much much better this time! (Wow, English teachers all over America would cringe at that sentence!)

Looking forward to posting again soon.....

New Beginnings

2005-08-14T01:14:00.000-05:00

As of Friday 08-12-05 – New Cancer Care Center, New Oncologist, New Schedule, Renewed (yet cautious) Spirits, Hope and Trust. The trust issue is really hard for me now. I am on the reserved side with everything that has happened prior to this new oncologist. I feel bad for her, because it isn’t her fault. I tried to not show my shaky trust issue and hopefully she didn’t see I have a problem with it. I stayed very low key regarding what has happened in the past, but she was able to pick it up in my medical records and lab results. They spoke a story all in themselves!

New Cancer Care Center – It is the real thing! What a difference from where I was being treated before! They have a 24 hour call in triage. They have information…..verbal, literature, computers, you name it they have it! The American Cancer Society has a navigator on site. They have a place on site to be fitted for and obtain a breast prosthesis. They give you a prescription for it! I forgot to ask about an arm compression sleeve, but I have no doubt they know about them also! More than likely they will help me with that too! They have support groups and support people. Personally, I don’t know if that is “my thing”….the support groups and support people, but it sure feels good to know they are available.

New Oncologist – She went over all of the previous medical reports, doctors’ statements, lab tests and paperwork fairly carefully…or so it seemed anyway. After reading all of it she came to a much different conclusion than the previous oncologist. She does not believe it was my teeth that landed me in the near death experience and in the hospital. Yes, they became a part of the whole scenario, but not the reason. She was very careful with her wording, which shows she has respect for the medical profession, (aka: covering your butt) but she did tell me some things that have alarmed me further regarding my past treatments and health care that I have already received for my breast cancer. I am not at liberty to go into them in depth here, so just take it that it was not information I wanted to hear, but it was information I NEEDED to know.

Regarding my teeth issue – The new oncologist is going to get in touch with my new dentist to work things out. I will learn more Monday or Tuesday, but at this point, it looks like the pulling of my teeth is on hold. I certainly like the idea of being able to eat real foods while going through chemo! As far as the problems with my teeth and the pain…well that issue is going to be dealt with as best as possible. And heck, if chemo has a way of doing bad things to teeth, which I now know can happen, at least I’m not risking anything! They are already bad!

New Schedule – I am being put back on a chemo schedule. My next treatment will be this coming Friday, 8-19-05. After reviewing my files, she feels it is key critical that I get chemo again a.s.a.p. and stay on track with it as close as possible. She is going to do things differently, but the same dose dense schedule and same chemo drugs will be used. She is looking at putting me on some heavy duty pain killers to avoid side affects that my body has already shown to be prone to, along with the teeth problem, so I may be in la-la land for a few months. That might be a GOOD thing!

Information Given – After the oncologist was done talking with me she sent in her nurse that specializes in informing the patients with information regarding the in and outs of the chemo drugs, eating, fatigue, body changes and lots, lots more. Because of the past care I have received (or should we say perhaps the lack of in areas), they felt it best to start at the beginning as if I had never had a chemo treatment before. Ed was with me on this appointment and we are both very glad they did it this way. We learned things that we had never been informed of before, but should have been.

Renewed (yet cautious) Spirits, Hope and Trust – As I stated in the beginning, I am now cautious. I was far too trusting and for the most part unquestioning when it came to my previous health care/cancer care providers. This has been proven to be a mistake. Besides the risk of not stopping the cancer because of their approach, they put my life at risk in other ways.

Cancer is such an unknown subject to the general person and that included me until I became faced with it first hand. I have learned so very much in such a short time. I am hopeful that I will see a point in time soon that I will regain my trust and feel 100% comfortable with my new cancer center and doctors. So far things look good, but it is time that will tell the answer. Because of the status and the excellent reputation this center has, I have no doubt I have made a very positive move and am back on the main road to reach my goal of becoming a long term survivor. I definitely feel the ball is back in my court. Such a short time ago that ball was ricocheting all over the place!

The only downside that I see to any of this: This cancer center is a distance from here. Each appointment, blood draw, lab test, and chemo session will take a three hour round trip to do. Two thirds of the way is state highway, so that helps. But it is going to be hard, harder on those days I don’t feel well, hard when the weather is bad or it is snowing or freezing and with the cost of gas, it is going to be expensive. The expensive part is going to take some real brain storming on my part to figure out and do. But it certainly looks like it is worth it.

There is always give and take to everything. This time, it appears the give portion will be time and money. If I were to stay with the other health care providers, even though they are an hour closer, the give portion might be much pricier in the end. My life. Much too risky and way too high of a price for me!

My Cape

2005-08-08T08:24:00.000-05:00

Gypsybobocowgirl recently left a comment on my blog regarding the cape I have around me. She is so right. Over the last few months, even though I have had things thrown in front of me that have made for some rough roads and detours in my route, I am a good traveler. I always find a path back to the main road. I am also a fighter. These traits have been a part of me since I was young. But there is much more. More than at any time in my life, as I travel this new journey of fighting cancer, I am very blessed to have an excellent support group; “my cape”. I can not imagine going through this current journey without them. Each person is special for individual reasons. Each person has done their own, very exceptional things over the last few months. I always try to show them how much this means to me, but I want to also put it here in my blog. They deserve recognition. They are the people that help make this journey all worth while.

Ed, my husband – He is wonderful. He has been to almost every single appointment with me from the mammogram on, only missing a few of the most recent appointments due to work. He was at my side and held me tight upon my diagnosis. He held my hand and hugged me while my remaining hair was shaved off. He stood by me and helped me when I couldn’t keep food down after chemo. He has searched out information online. When I stated I wanted to start walking to help with my recovery, he has been right there at my side, walking with me. These are only a small number of examples of what this man has done.

Often, I think and worry that my diagnosis has been harder on him than me. I have watched his face and can feel his pain and hear his unspoken words. His love for me is unconditional and he shows it every day in many ways. We were still newly weds, still are for that matter, when the cancer diagnosis was made this May….just five months and three days after our wedding day. While it is difficult and would be hard on any relationship, our relationship is still strong and growing.

Along with my husband, my cape is made up of others that are constantly showing just how much they care.

My Family: Mom, Dad, my sister, and my brother – I love them. They are great!

My Daughter, who brought me two dozen roses the day I was diagnosed. Who drove me to my first chemo and who has been here from the beginning of this new journey. Our relationship has evolved over the years and we are not only mother and daughter, we are best friends.

My Son: The quiet one. Yet he has made sure I know how much he cares.

Kim: Who always finds a way to put a smile on my face! Friends, yes, but as time marches on she has become more than that. She is like a sister to me. The world would be a terrible place without her.

Dana: Among other things that she does and has done, she also checks often to see not only how I am doing, but how I am REALLY doing.

Sue: I mentioned Sue in another post, but she needs to be mentioned here also. She has always been a fantastic friend. Life has often grabbed us up throwing us separate ways. Yet, even though we don’t talk or visit as often as we should, our friendship is still strong. We have had a lot of great times over the years.

Kay and Jerry: Our newest neighbors. Great people with great hearts.

Jerry and Cathy: More great people with great hearts. They too, call often to see how things are going.

Various people in the village (yes, it really is classified as a village) we live in: Always a smile, always kind words and thoughts. Many have put me in their prayers. Some have sent flowers, cards, food or done other things that have let us know they care.

Then there are those I have “met” online since my cancer journey began. These people have each made an impact on my life regardless of the fact that I have never met them in person. They too, have become a part of my cape.

Gypsybobocowgirl loves life and is great at sharing her experiences and outlooks in writing. Her comments on my blog have always been uplifting, often at times when I needed it most. She has done the same in emails as well as being very helpful.

Jeannette Her blog, Two Hands, was one of the first cancer blogs I came to. She is a breast cancer survivor and has done an excellent job of sharing her journey. She is also one that leaves very uplifting comments on my blog and from time to time I have emailed her with questions. She has always taken the time to reply along with being very supportive with her words.

TK Smith is another blogger that loves life and loves to enjoy life. She shows both her humor and her serious side in her blog and has sent very supportive comments and blogging my way.

Even the person who sent me the angels to wrap their wings around me has become a part of my cape.

There are more, and even if they are not mentioned here, it does not mean I have forgotten them. I feel very blessed to have these special people in my life. With them, the road for my cancer journey is smoother. For this I say Thank You with all of my heart. I am looking forward to winning this fight and becoming a long term survivor.

My cape is beautiful.

Things that are.

2005-08-03T23:48:00.000-05:00

Another bump in the road. My teeth are in much worse condition than even I thought they were. Met with the dentist today. He carefully inspected every tooth, tooth by tooth, giving the findings to the dental assistant in dental talk. I stopped him often and asked what each item meant and he had no problem giving me an explanation in plain English. He also explained, even though some of my teeth, might, under normal circumstances still “get by’’, when put under chemo conditions, the chemo will be the end of them. A full plan for my teeth will be given to me soon , but his summary of the best action is to pull all of the upper teeth and pull all but four of the bottom teeth. We are looking at hospitalization for this. Due to the healing process, I will be toothless (except for four lower teeth) for six months. Due to limitations with Wisconsin Well Woman MA, there isn’t the option of a temporary plate etc. Money to buy these items myself is non-existent.

Due to the healing process needed when all teeth are pulled, my chemo is going to be way off track. They are talking a couple of months before I can even have the teeth pulled because they are so booked appointment wise. As of this upcoming Monday, I should be receiving my THIRD chemo. Instead, I have only had one. At this point in time, it is unknown how long it will be before I can get back to the chemo.

Eating, while on chemo, is difficult at best. It is hard to find foods that can be eaten or taste good. Being toothless will limit foods even more at a time when eating is extremely important to maintaining my health. Needless to say, this has me very concerned.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I, of course, was scared as hell. The initial roller coaster of thoughts and emotions were quite the ride. Then came determination. Determination that I would beat this. I would survive. Also came trust. Trust in my doctors, my health care team. I was being thrown into a world that I knew nothing about. Thrown there at lightening bolt speed. I had no choice but to trust my doctors and my health care team. After all, they went to school for this. This is what they are supposed to know best.

All I wanted to do was deal with my cancer head on, go through the treatments and get to the other side. The goal: to LIVE and be able to get on with living. No one said dealing with the cancer was going to be easy, but it seemed pretty straight forward to me at the time.

Now, a mere three months later, I am back at square one. Scared as hell. I am trying hard to keep the determination going, but it is getting bumped all over the place, making it very difficult to stay focused. Things are a mess. My trust is broken.

Things happened with my health care in the clinic and in surgery that were not good. They are items that could have been and should have been avoided. Upon receiving my first chemo treatment (July 11^th), I had a bad reaction. This last week, I find out this too could have been curtailed, perhaps avoided. The bad reaction caused me to be hospitalized due to further complications and because I was close to death. Again, I find this could have been avoided. I totally trusted my doctors and health care team. As it turns out, this was a mistake. They were not informing me of all necessary items that I needed to know prior to my receiving treatments, or prior anything that was done. But how was I to know? How do you know what you should ask when no one has told you the questions. It isn’t that I didn’t look up information on my own. I did. But without full information from my doctors, I wasn’t able to get all the answers, even on my own, that I really needed. You can’t verify what you don’t know in the first place. The final loss of trust comes in finding out they did something totally wrong. Provable wrong. This wrong most certainly contributed, may have been the entire reason, I ended up near death and in the hospital.

On Monday I obtained copies of my medical records from the mammogram forward from the clinic. They are full of errors and inaccuracies. They also, do not even agree with each other. A good example: It is my left breast that had the tumors and the mastectomy. Throughout my paper work, they list it as my left breast on some pages and as my right breast on others. There are discrepancies between the doctor’ surgical statements and pathology. The oncologist states in his initial report that my teeth are in bad condition, yet he never mentioned this as a concern or the possible dangers involved verbally to either me or my husband prior to chemo starting. There are also many other problems and errors in the paperwork. Finding this out is mind boggling. Now I don’t know what to think. With all the other problems, I can’t help but wonder if the surgeries were the right way to go, or if in reality I might have actually had other choices had I gone to a different clinic, different doctors.

All the cancer centers in this area are not “in this area”. The pickings are very limited. The few that there are, are mostly new centers and I question their experience level. I checked out an excellent center today in the same city where the dental clinic is. This cancer center makes the clinic where I am going now look like playschool at best. But being approximately an hour and a half away, I haven’t a clue how we could swing my going there. Just the travel alone, plus the number of appointments needed, not to mention other aspects would become a challenge. Plus, now it looks like I will be going for treatments well into the winter months. Wisconsin winters are well known to be full of surprises and not easy to travel in. All this with what vehicle?

Somewhere, somehow, in all this, I need to fit in finding a job. Thanks to my boss of nine years making such a timely decision to “cut expenses and reorganize” a few days after I tell him my diagnosis. Hairless, toothless, cancer, chemo, radiation treatments and all. Great credentials.

Having invasive lobular carcinoma with lymph nodes already involved is bad enough. Knowing that this type of cancer tends to be more aggressive is unnerving and frightening.

Knowing that I don’t trust my doctors anymore is horrifying. Having that mistrust feed into my decision making processes right now? It puts me on a whole new roller coaster ride.

Fighting every step of the way, in so many avenues of my life right now is starting to take a toll.

Things that are fun…..Things that are not…..

2005-07-30T09:16:00.000-05:00

Fun: (Friday, 7-29-05) While sitting in the emergency room waiting area for three and a half hours with your daughter, (whom is the reason I was there this time), start pulling your chemo hair out and state “This wait is driving me nuts.”

Not fun: (Thursday, 7-28-05) Getting a letter hand delivered from the local police that you are in violation of some ordinance or another and you have ten days to either repair or tear down your garage. Oh, sure, no problem, let me check my appointment book and see when we can fit that one in. What? You say we can’t just tear it down, there is a whole set of ordinances that we have to abide by to even tear it down….. all of which cost money? No problem, let me look under the mattress and see what I can find.

Fun: (Friday, 7-29-05) Realizing upon taking a shower that you no longer need to worry about a bikini shave.

Not fun: (Friday, 7-29-05) The day after you get the stated letter above, you go into property tax default because the money you have set aside for property taxes has now been spent on emergency health issues that were never in this years budget and to keep the electric on.

Fun: (Friday, 7-29-05) Rubbing your hand across your chin and realizing that all those stray hairs that emerged a couple of years ago upon “maturity” just rubbed off in your hand!

Not fun: (Every day now) Getting your mail after medical treatments have been sought for a little lump or two or three.

Fun: (This week) Grossing your daughter out when she is eating by tugging gently on your hair and going “look at this!” (payback is great for all those years I got the “look Mom”……)

Not fun: (Currently) Realizing you are drowning and you aren't anywhere close to a body of water.

Funny: (7-27-05) Walking around WalMart, pushing a cart, turning a corner and bumping into an end isle rack with the cart, knocking the display down. While picking up the display and trying to get it back in place, you look at the items you are picking up and start laughing. It is a whole display of Breast Cancer Awareness Socks! I am aware already…..honest…..I don’t need socks to prove it!

The Good News!

2005-07-28T21:44:00.000-05:00

The government CAN work for the individual!

My phone call to Senator Feingold’s office put the ball in motion. Senator Feingold was not able to help me himself, but with his actions, he did. He turned my problem immediately over to someone that COULD help me and they did so. She called me right away to let me know who she was, why she was calling and that she was working on it. Within twenty four hours she called again to tell me her success.

I now have a dental appointment with an excellent facility and an oral surgeon on Wednesday, August 3^rd! It will be an x-ray, exam, status appointment and then the work will be done in other appointments. I still don’t know the time frame, but I am so RELIEVED! I’m back on track in a forward direction again!

The place I am going to is one of the places I called on Monday. When I called, they were not able to do a thing for me as they are booked up until next year sometime. This proves that perseverance does work! It also proves that if you come at something from one angle, and it doesn’t work, keep trying from different directions. It just might work.

The dental work will end up taking longer than what will be good for staying on my schedule chemo wise, but there is nothing I can do about that. And it will be a long haul travel wise as they are a three hour round trip from here, but so be it! I can't begin to tell you how GOOD this news is and how good it makes me feel!

With everything that has happened since this started, I have to say I have indeed lost confidence in my treatment center and my doctors. I am being very careful to not burn the bridge, at least not until I have jumped bridges, but the bridge jumping is already in progress. I should have been more informed by my doctors and oncologist regarding my teeth and potential problems that could be incurred upon my receiving chemo. They all know I have bad teeth. It was brought to their attention more than once, including my needing a mouth guard over my teeth in each of my surgeries to keep them from breaking off any further. I stated to them several times that for some reason, back in December, my teeth started to chip away and break off. I hate it, but when I smile now, it is easily visible. So I know they saw it, as well as heard me tell it. Yet, they never showed any concern regarding this at all. (No, I am not a drug user, or anything even remotely close, that would cause them to break off!) No one mentioned that it is important to have teeth checked and repairs done before chemo. There are a number of other things, (some of which you have read about in my postings, such as surgery mishaps etc.), which all added up, are also causing me concern.

When I was first told I needed to have chemo and was told what chemo I would be given, my immediate reaction was to go to the computer and look everything up on it that I could. Then I stopped myself. I decided it would not be to my advantage to become immersed in information overload. Most importantly, I didn't want to set myself up mentally regarding "things that can go wrong" and side affects. So I didn't do the reading I normally would have. This is why I didn't discover the teeth/chemo relation myself. In hindsight, I have now done a bit of reading and found that the teeth/chemo problem is not rare. I also found there are some other areas that should have been addressed, such as the blood pressure pills I take, my beginning stages of osteoporosis, my arthritis and the allergies I have. All of these, in regards to my personal history, are well documented in my file at this health system. Yet no one has addressed them in relation to my cancer, treatments or chemo. Heck, they are the ones that prescribed the blood pressure pills over six years ago, did the osteoporosis test and have treated me for some of my allergies! Upon finding this information out, it gives me even more reason to be concerned about the care I am receiving. The facility that I am planning on going to appears to be a good one. Then again, the one I am with right now did too. I have done some research and talked to people that have been or are currently patients there. Some are cancer patients, some are not. I have heard many good things. There will be no way to know for sure until I have my appointments, but at least I feel that I am grabbing the bull by the horns doing everything I can to have the most positive outcome possible.

Regarding Senator Feingold? He will most definitely have my vote in every election from here on out. Not only my vote, but my recommendation to everyone I can tell. When he endorses other candidates, I will take a very serious look at them as well. Thank you Senator Feingold. Thank you to the wonderful lady who found me a space in the dental world. You have both restored my faith that there are still times the government does pay attention to the “little guy”. Senator Feingold, you were already a favorite with my husband, now you are with me, as well.

A Powerful Article...Please Read

2005-07-28T11:30:00.000-05:00

I have some good news to post, but will be posting it later today as I have some other items that need attention. But I promise to update everyone soon.

In the meantime, I would like to bring an exceptionally powerful article regarding the world of cancer today, to everyone's attention. It is written by a lady that knows first hand what cancer is and isn't and the raw life that comes with it. She has posted the article, titled "Reflections on a Yellow Jersey", in her blog. I hope you find it as insightful, informative and well written as I did.

Reflections on a Yellow Jersey - by Cancer,Baby

Please stop by and read it.

Day 2 of Frustration.... Then A Change of Direction

2005-07-26T22:08:00.000-05:00

It is a darn good thing I am not one to give up easily. Soon there will be a whole lot of people out there that are going to know this first hand! There are already quite a few!

I was back on the phones this morning at 8:00 a.m.. Doing what I need to do. Calling every dentist I can find now. Same thing as yesterday. Again everyone listened. That was it. People are getting good these days at nicely saying “no, sorry, can’t help you, but I sure hope things turn out”. They must have all taken the same darn Zig Ziglar seminars I did. Motivational niceness! Stay positive and hold your ground stuff.

SO….then I started thinking……doing this from the bottom up isn’t getting me anywhere. If the bottom can’t, the middle yes/no “men” aren’t going to be any better. Go for the top, lady, and lay it on the line. And that is exactly what I did. I called Wisconsin’s Governor Doyle’s office. Of course, I was not allowed to talk to him, but I left a pretty detailed message. Then, I called the senators. I started calling everyone I could think of in places some might never think of unless one, such as myself, is starting to get down right desperate. Out of all that? I have received one phone call in return, but this phone caller has stated they are going to try hard for me. So hopefully, tomorrow, I will have a better post to post. As they say, all it takes is one. And now I have “one” on my side. If that doesn’t work, well, you should see my list that I have waiting! I’m far from done!

But back to that “one”….. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Say a little prayer or two and pass that positive energy this way, ‘cause right now I need every thing I can get!

One thing that really helped today? Finally, after days and days and weeks of unbelievably hot weather, it cooled down today! Even rained. Is still raining! I was finally able to get the temperature in this house down to, hold on to your seats here folks, a beautiful 77 degrees! YES! Up until today, this house has been ranging between 89 and 93 degrees and I just couldn’t get it lower than 89, no matter how many fans I had going. It was like a wind tunnel in here. It didn’t matter. It was hot and it stayed that way. And the humidity? It is amazing it didn’t actually rain in here at various times. Believe it or not, with all of that, only one computer bit the dust. Pretty darn good! Today was such a fantastic relief!

Side note on the computer thing: It was my daughter’s computer that bit the dust. Major hard drive failure. You see, all of us in this house are geeky in our own way....hubby, daughter and me. (Hubby’s geekyness is my fault. That will teach me!) And none of us play well with each other when it comes to computers and we don’t share well. So we each have our own, brought to you of course, by the big geek…..me. They are all in a row in our living room. It looks like a blasted computer lab in here! They are not the newest or the greatest, but they work well! All run WIN98SE which some laugh at me for, but it does the job!

More good news for today….. my good friend, Sue, and her hubby, too, of course, lent me a car today that I can use for a while. I may not be able to use it for very long, but it sure helps out great right now! Thank you Sue and Louie! Sue has been a friend for years and has done so many absolutely wonderful things for not only me but my kids too. We were both “soccer moms” so to speak. Well, actually, she really WAS a soccer mom. I was the same as a soccer mom without the soccer part. Our kids are both the same ages, which of course means we were both pregnant at the same times. My due dates were both after hers, but I went into labor earlier both times. Imagine that, another two times that my body did what ever it wanted to. Yep, both of my kids were born premature. Just shocks the heck out of everyone, huh?

Looking back at things, I think I am starting to catch on as to why people are so amazed that I have such a great sense of humor and can always find a way to laugh, even during the most awful of circumstances. It is tends to be a warped sense of humor at times, but it is humor all the same.

On that note, I think I will go find something that amuses me and makes me laugh and then get some sleep. Tomorrow may be another long day!

Frustration with a bit of fear edging in……

2005-07-25T19:55:00.000-05:00

Quick note before I continue on with the real frustrations of the day…..the shedding has begun. It started yesterday and is staying at a constant speed. I am avoiding combing my hair too much. Every time I put the wide tooth comb through it, it fills up. When I took a shower, it clogged the drain. It is still at the point that the average person taking a quick glance at me will have no clue. Granted it isn’t something I was looking forward to but it was not the major concern of the day.

No, instead my focus was on something far more important. Finding a dentist.

I got up this morning with a very positive outlook. I just knew that if I really worked at it I would be able to find a dentist that would either take Wisconsin Well Woman MA or would have a kind heart and work with me.

I started at a little after 9:00 a.m. this morning. I stopped at 4:30 p.m. this afternoon.

Times in between ranged from positive hope to not quite so much hope to “there has to be someone out there” to crying to depression.

I am really no further ahead than when I first started this morning. All of the people I talked to were nice to me and heard me out. Many were appalled that no one mentioned the dental/chemo connection prior to my first chemo. But the conversations kept ended up the same. They just couldn’t help me. They either don’t take Wisconsin Well Woman MA or are booked for months ahead (the normal was 7 months) or they are not taking on new patients or can’t help me because I don’t have money up front. Not one of the dentists took my number, which would have at least given me a ray of hope.

I did get a small glimmer, if you want to call it that…….a dental school said if I call at 8:00 a.m. every morning, they will put me on the emergency standby list. They really wanted to help me, but they, too, are swamped. The emergency list would be no problem and I would gladly do it but they are an hour and a half away. So I just don’t know how well this will work out. Hubby and I only have one gas guzzling not-so-good-condition vehicle that he needs to get to work in. Due to the kindness of a good friend though, I am going to try to work out the vehicle situation tonight and borrow a vehicle for a while.

Even if I get the vehicle situation worked out, I wonder how many mornings I will have to call before I get in. Will it be too late by the time I do? She said the list is long and the cancellations are few. If I do get in, I know they are not going to be able to do all the work I need in one sitting. Plus, I am supposed to have a blood draw 24 hours before I see the dentist to make sure my counts are high enough. That too could become a challenge if I am on an on-call basis.

What a day. A day of frustration. An edge of fear starting to creep in……..

I will start the calls again in the morning.

For those of you wondering what to do with your lives…… you just might want to consider becoming a dentist. I doubt the need for them is going to end any time soon. I heard plenty of stories today on how the patients per dentist numbers are way out of sync. And look at the good you would be doing for mankind at the same time!

New day, New Quandary

2005-07-22T20:17:00.000-05:00

I am starting to become envious of the blogs I have read where at least 95% of the time everything from diagnosis thru chemo thru radiation and on went relatively smoothly. The ones where only an occasional glitch happens. The ones that even though having cancer sucks and the treatments suck and the expected (note: expected is a key word here) side effects suck, they get through it all. Not only get through it all but can still work at least part time. They even have bosses that don’t get rid of them after nine years because it is convenient timing for them that their one and only employee gets cancer. I am very happy for the people themselves, I just wish it would go that way for me right now.

For me, today brings forth a whole new quandary. Per my appointment with my oncologist today, I find out I can not have my second chemo treatment on Monday as originally scheduled. In fact, I can not have ANY more treatments until I get something done with my teeth. It was the combination of chemo, the chemo side affects and my teeth that caused all the problems that brought forth the emergency room visit, my near death experience and hospital stay earlier this week.

First problem: I have already had one chemo treatment. So now, to stay even close to schedule, the dental work has to be done quickly and I have to heal quickly. And if that doesn’t happen, I still get the pleasure of losing all of my hair and having to be very careful because of the chemo I have already had. Also, if I can’t get back into having my chemo in a relatively soon time schedule, the chemo may not have the same effectiveness. That is not a thought I care to think about.

Second problem: I don’t even HAVE a dentist.

Third problem: Reason I don’t have a dentist – I am poor and don’t have insurance.

On the good side: I am in the Wisconsin Well Woman Program. It is a great program for women like me, who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. I am very grateful for everything they have already done and will be doing to help me through my cancer and treatments. To everyone involved in keeping this program going and are involved in its workings, a big THANK YOU!

On the bad side: One of Wisconsin’s weak areas is in dentistry. Especially when it comes to the poor or uninsured. Even in emergency situations, such as mine has become.

So now I am fighting to find a dentist that will take me on a moments notice, pull two to three teeth, help me get another three under control in very quick fashion AND that dentist needs to be part of the Wisconsin Well Woman Program.

Odds on this: Close to zero. The few that do exist and I have been in touch with, are already booked through January or beyond and are not taking on any new patients. Regardless of circumstances. And some of these dentists don’t even have very good reputations or track records. They are simply better than nothing.

All other dentists want money up front. I don’t blame them in the least. They certainly have every right to feel that if they do a job they should receive compensation for that job. I know that is how I feel on a job. But I don’t have the means to give money up front. Heck, because of my current work and money situation, I can’t even make wild promises!

Yes, hubby did start work last week. He found that his age, too, was a problem in today’s employment market, but he just kept at it until he succeeded. It is a really rough job and the starting pay is not great, but he is doing well. I love him dearly for his perseverance. (Actually, I love him dearly for a whole bunch of other reasons, too!) He is working his butt off so we can start getting caught up on things. As far as medical or dental insurance with this new job, as is becoming all too common these days, they do not offer much. Then again, due to my current health situation, they would exclude me out anyway. That one is probably going to be a fact of life for me from here on out.

I feel trapped right now. So many things in such a short time span.

I have never been a money hungry person. There is quality of life that can be had quite nicely without lots of money and it is that quality of life that I love. By not allowing money to be the all important ruler in my life, it allowed me, as a divorced single mom, to be there for my kids as they were growing up. I had a full time job that was flexible hour wise. (That flexibility was a trade off though for not so great wages.) While the other parents were no shows because they were doing the Corporate America career track, I was there at the various school functions watching not only my kids, but theirs. I was able to chaperone many school field trips. The kids and I were able to go camping. We were able to do museum trips and other fun things together. Today, both of my kids are fantastic, intelligent, kind, respectful young adults. They both understand and appreciate the beauty of life around them.

I have always worked. I just never made tons of money. Has it been easy? No. Would I trade in those years with my kids for a lump sum of money instead? Never! The only place I seemed to have really messed up was not making sure I always had medical and dental insurance. Oh, I guess, retirement funds would have been a good plan, too! :>)

So, Monday, I will begin the phone calls again. I haven’t a clue how the heck I am going to figure this one out and find an answer, but I have to keep trying. My life depends on it.

If anyone knows of a kind hearted good dentist with spare time on their hands (like all dentist have just oodles of time of their hands....they generally don't if they are good ones) in the Southern Wisconsin area (Walworth, Rock, Milwaukee, Dane counties) please let me know! And because I live on the Wisconsin-Illinois border, I guess even one in the Northern Illinois area might work too!

And for those of you that will be starting chemo.... a word to the wise. Please make sure you see a dentist, if at all possible, BEFORE that first chemo session.

To Anonymous......

2005-07-21T01:20:00.000-05:00

The following comment was left on my blog recently. For so many reasons that I can not even begin to list here, this comment means a lot to me.

"Anonymous said...
...as the fish walk by....may the angels wrap their wings around you and may you find strength and comfort...."

What incredible timing this message had. The angels were needed. And, they did, in deed, wrap their wings around me and protected me at a very critical time.

Thank you for sending them to me.

I hope to continue to find the strength and the comfort......

And those fish walking by.....thank goodness they can tread water!...... :>)

So, Anonymous, thank you for your kindness and your message. May the angels always be there for you and may they wrap their wings around you when you need them as well.

Rough week!

2005-07-20T18:39:00.000-05:00

Well, ever since the first chemo on Monday July 11, things have not gone well at all. Just got out of the hospital today. Hope to explain more in time but to sum it up.....white blood counts went very dangerously low, so low that my red were at the point to start acting up in their own little mission which would have been disaster. An infection started through my body....actually started in my teeth and jaw and then spread into my neck, and glands causing my neck to swell up like mumps, making swolling very difficult. It also started going up the right side of my head. With the infection, I was running a fever that was picking up speed. To top it off the pain was excruciating....that will be number 11 on that board of 1 to 10. No that is quite allright.....I can claw the number onto the board myself so you can see it. This all climaxed in a trip to the emergency room as by this time I could no longer walk on my own and talking was getting incredibly difficult. They didn't let me go home....they admitted me to a special care unit and I got to be in isolation. I didn't mind. In fact, I can't really tell you a whole lot about that first 24 hours besides they were horrible.

Other than that things have been peachy keen! :>)

Ok and OK edited!

2005-07-16T09:11:00.000-05:00

Today is Thursday, July 21, 2005

This was my original post on Saturday, July 16, 2005....BEFORE the spiral dive straight into hell, the emergency room visit and the hospital stay!

I'm back!

This is going to be a short entry. Still don't have all my strength back.

Chemo took me by surprise and really kicked me in the butt! Got blessed with some duzy migraines, one right on top of another! Major problems with the stomach which was probably brought on by the combination of chemo and migraines. Maybe the same thing with the extreme weakness. Everything became a major effort to achieve. Walking even became a problem. Did a lot of sleeping. And sweating. And uggghhhh oh how the smells are getting to me. They are coming at me from everywhere! Totally lost four days out of my life. That one pisses me off!

But, I wanted to let everyone know, I am feeling somewhat better today and I will be writing more later hopefully.

And, hell no, chemo isn't going to keep me down forever damn it!

Reflecting back on that post is very interesting to me.

At that point, I thought losing four days was bad! HAHAHA! Joke was on me. All told, I lost 9 days into oblivion! I really did think, on Saturday, when I started to get a bit of an appetite back and was feeling like maybe a little strength was coming back, that things were starting to look up. But within about 12 hours that took a severe turn and this time the spiral fall went fast!

Optimistic is great, but not always accurate! So from now on I will be gentler with that glass of fluid. It will be comprised as follows: the top half will be half air and the bottom half will be half fluid, the glass will be glass. It will neither be half full nor half empty. It will simply be. I can hold on to that for right now. I am fine with it. I will add more fluid as I go along and then never worry about whether it is half full or half empty again!

Today

2005-07-11T10:43:00.000-05:00

Today has come.

Finally.

Today is the day that starts my path on becoming a survivor.

Chemo session number one.

I am embracing it.

I am scared.

Today will open doors to the rest of my life.

Today, I will start my decent into treatment hell.

Today will end at midnight, but the effects will last long beyond.

Today is a beginning of another chapter in my life.

Today closes a chapter in my life.

I am ready.

Tomorrow is already tugging at my sleeve.

More Tests and THE WIG!!!

2005-07-08T18:25:00.000-05:00

They deposited more of that glow in the dark stuff in me today. I am really starting to look forward to Halloween this year! First they did the brain scan. They hooked me up to an IV that made me feel very warm for a few minutes and then it passed. It felt like a heavy duty hot flash. Then I just laid there, very still. There was nothing hard about this test at all. A few hours later they did the bone scan. Different room, different machine, different technicians, but still an easy test. They strapped me in so I would not and could not move easily. Joking with them I wanted to know if they were actually into bondage and found a paying job to be able to act out some of their fantasies. After being strapped in, all I had to do was lay there while the camera scanned by body. As I lay there, I did find out one interesting item. I am obviously claustrophobic. When the camera was over my head and upper body from the top, I had a very hard time dealing with it and started hyperventilating. I recognized it quickly and realized how ridiculous my reaction was. I knew I wasn’t trapped in any way. So, I concentrated on keeping calm and managed to get through it just fine.

After the tests, hubby and I traveled to salon to pick up the wig I had ordered a week and a half ago. I love it! It is a very inexpensive wig, but it looks really nice on me. It is about five inches shorter than my natural hair, so it comes to my shoulders. I was thinking about cutting off a couple of inches in my pre-cancer days. This just made it easier! Another bonus….. It is a perfect color. I won’t have to think about dying my hair to get rid of the salt and pepper combination! Once or twice a year, over the past few years, I would go through the dye or not to dye decision process. Often, the why bother would win. With the wig, I get a new hair style and perfect color all in one! Now I feel like I can still blend in with the human race as I go through this. It should work great until they turn out the lights and my body starts glowing in the dark!

Back in my comfort zone.....

2005-07-06T23:00:00.000-05:00

I get to go see the “girls” in nuclear medicine again on Friday. It is bone scan time! But that’s not all! I also get to go back to the CT Scan room and find out what is really inside this head of mine. There has been much speculation on that one over the years! Just ask my Mom. I’m sure she will be happy to go back in time and discuss the idiotic things I did as a teenager. OK, OK, my teenage years were not the only time in my life I have done idiotic things, but it is the only time I care to admit to right now.

As you can tell, I had another doctor appointment. This time it was with my regular M.D., Dr. L.. She was in shock. No one told her that I have been diagnosed with breast cancer, let alone about my surgeries and upcoming schedule of treatments. I was just a tad taken back on that one. After all, my surgeon’s office is not only on the same floor as Dr. L, but in the same section of offices!

The results from my original mammogram, way back at the end of April (wow, that seems like years ago), were supposed to have been sent to her. I thought they were sent to her. I thought she had referred me to Dr. B, my surgeon. Obviously not! I guess they (whoever “they” may be in this case) decided the results of my mammogram were such that I should go directly to surgeon and forget any steps in between.

It felt so good to be back on home ground again. I think the world of Dr. L.. She is the doctor, who several years ago, correctly diagnosed it was my left kidney that was causing me to be so sick. That was AFTER I had been to numerous other doctors in various clinics with the exact same problem, symptoms and excruciating on-going pain. None of them could come up with the answer…..or any answer, for that matter. In fact, had I followed the advice of one of them, and taken the prescription I was given, there is a very good chance I would not be here today. (Wow, I would have missed out on the cancer diagnosis!)

So, it is the correct diagnosis of a kidney problem (a kidney that, in the end, had to be removed) that became my introduction to Dr. L. A pretty darn good introduction if I do say so myself. I have been her patient ever since. She is also the doctor that prescribed the perfect blood pressure pill that my system can handle and handle well.

She listens. She questions. She observes. She pays attention to the littlest of details. We discussed general health, how things have been going, the cancer, what has been done, and what has not. She decided I better have a few more tests prior to my receiving my first chemo treatment. I am in total agreement. I want to know everything I can regarding what is growing or not growing in my body right now.

Dr. L. is my comfort zone. And once again, she did not let me down. She reassured me and let me know she will be with me throughout this from here on out. I know she means it. This is a pretty darn good feeling.

A Booming 4th!

2005-07-05T09:17:00.000-05:00

Saturday, July 2^nd, we went to Madison to see Rhythm and Booms Fireworks http://www.rhythmandbooms.com . What an absolutely spectacular show. The fireworks are set to music and everyone brings a radio tuned to the station broadcasting the event. Nonstop fireworks, many of which are very unique in color and display, and nonstop music. The newspapers are stating there were over 300,000 people there. Because we came early enough in the day, we found a great parking spot and a perfect viewing spot up on a hill overlooking the park. We didn’t see the ground show, but we saw everything else. When the fireworks started, everyone became so quiet. All you could hear was an occasional “wow” or “ooohhhh” and the stereo effect of so many radios at once. Great job to all those involved in putting on this show. We are looking forward to next year already!

Monday, July 4^th, we went to someone else’s house. Actually it was the son that invited us. (He is good friends with my daughter.) Not sure that he ever told his parents we were coming, but they were cool. There were lots of fireworks, bonfire and food. Nice mellow time out in the country in a beautiful setting. The fireworks display was anchored in the middle of the country road. It is not a road less traveled considering it is out where it is, so there were a number of interruptions, mainly the screaming of “CAR” throughout the night. And of course, the token unmarked sheriffs’ car meandered by, stopping briefly to ask the following: “Have anything illegal?” Now isn’t that a gun powder loaded question? Yep, everyone found themselves just rushing up on that one to volunter, “Why yes sir, would you like to come check them out? Here sir, want to take some home with you? Would you like a beer while you are here?” Geez, like everyone is just going to fess up to that question! Of course the real answer was “No.”. Da! On to the next loaded question, “Is there adult supervision here?” Now, that one could be a tough one. Was there a test on this one that all in attendance should have taken before hand? What exactly qualifies as adult supervision? Is it just an age thing? It was guessed that might be it, so of course the answer back to this question was “yes” and a sampling of “adults” moved forward to verify this information. It seemed to do the trick. The officer was satisfied that all was well, he had done his job, and he continued on his journey.

It was a great night with perfect weather. The evening concluded with 16,000 (yes you read correctly....sixteen thousand) firecrackers strung out on clothes line throughout a tree. What an awesome sight and sound! And the good thing….everyone’s hearing was back again before they left for home!

A quick one!

2005-06-30T21:08:00.000-05:00

Today’s appointment with my surgeon for follow-up check-up went great. I like it that way. I had a few questions regarding the implanted port, she answered them and all is well. I don’t need to see her again for another three months.

Next appointment is Tuesday, July 5^th, with my regular doctor. Have various questions and concerns. My hot flashes, that started three years ago, are driving me nuts. I thought they were bad before. HA! They have turned into full body hot flashes now. And with the weather being so hot, they are interfering a lot with anything I try to do to cool down a bit.

For “fun”, I added up doctor appointments, tests, and surgery mileage the other day. Since this all began (initial appointment being the mammogram), over the last two months we have driven 876 miles just to accomplish all that has been needed. That doesn’t include the trips for prescriptions and misc. items, so it is actually slightly more than that. Most trips were 42 miles round trip for either a doctor appointment or a test or a surgery. No wonder it seems like we have not been home a lot! Wow, what fun we have been having! What a great vacation that could have been!

Muga Results

2005-06-26T00:26:00.000-05:00

On a good note. I received the results of my Muga test. 64%. I am good to go for the chemotherapy they want to do. My first session is still on for July 11^th.

Why can't things be simple? Or at least go as planned?

2005-06-24T23:31:00.000-05:00

Went in for the Muga test on Monday to check my heart and make sure it is strong enough to go through the type of chemotherapy I am going to have. This entailed another trip to nuclear medicine. Wonder how a Geiger counter would react around me these days? Heck, if things keep going at this rate, I should be able to pull off a really cool Halloween trick this year by glowing in the dark. No extra accessories needed.

I will know the results of the Muga test later this week. I also stopped by the chemotherapy room so the nurse could check the condition of my veins in my right arm. This was necessary to see if they will be able to withstand eight chemotherapy sessions. As it turns out, they probably won’t. She couldn’t even get a vein to surface. So, she put in a call to my surgeon, Dr. B. to recommend my getting a implanted port put in my chest.

An implanted port is put under the skin, normally on your chest, directly into a vein. It is used for drawing blood and giving medicines such as the chemo directly into the vein. For people like myself, who only have one arm that veins can be used and those veins are not reliable (rolling over, ballooning up, collapsing etc.) it makes the process a lot easier.

Dr. B. had me come in Wednesday to discuss it. She said she could do it Thursday and that it is a simple procedure. Short and sweet……should only take about an hour to do. Light anesthetic to induce “twilight sleep” along with local anesthetic in the area where the port would be placed under my skin. I would be awake but not able to feel anything. The anesthetic is one of those where if asked a question, you tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Oh, boy, guess this wouldn’t be a good time to have Mom drive me! I have no doubt she still has questions she would love to ask after all these years!

The appointment is made. Thursday morning, Ed and I arrived at the designated time, 7:30 a.m.. I check in, we are taken to my room and I put on the stylin’ gown and robe. And there we sit. At 8:45 a.m. the nurse tells us that my surgery has been bumped due to another surgeon needing the room for an emergency surgery. No problem. I feel bad though for the person that has to have the emergency surgery. Don’t know what it is for, but if it is an emergency, it can’t be good.

At 10:00, they come to get me. I’m off to the surgery room. Everything is going well. I told Dr. B that under no circumstances do I want the anesthesiologist that I had last time and I didn’t get him. Thank goodness. This one was like the first one I had that I liked. He asked plenty of questions and listened carefully to my answers.

They put me on the surgery table and the next thing I know I am waking up in recovery. The key words here…. “waking up”. I knew from the way I awoke that I had been knocked out completely. Warning bells started going off in my head. First-off I wasn’t at all happy that I had been put under. Secondly, I was very concerned as to why. After I got back to my room I received a little more explanation. Dr. B stated that she did the incision on my chest, but every time she tried to put the port in I would start coughing. After several attempts, she had them put me under completely, injected local anesthetic in my neck area, did an incision in my neck and put the port there. By the time we left there and got home, it was after 3:00 p.m. So much for short and sweet!

I have some very mixed feelings about this whole thing and the placement of the port in my neck. I don’t know if it is good or bad or indifferent to have it there rather than my chest. It scares me to have it in my neck. Should I be scared? Will it make it through all the chemo that I will need? Will it cause problems or be uncomfortable to have chemo put in through my neck?

I do know that between the two incisions, I and percocet ended up being very good friends for the next 24 hours. It took forever for the local anesthetic to wear off. My throat was extremely sore and tender and again I was sick to my stomach and had major ongoing heartburn from the general anesthetic.

This time, I am afraid my attitude isn’t the best. There have been too many things that have gone wrong, in too short of time here. I just want to get better. I just want to live. I want to be able to have the various procedures that I need done and have them go as expected. I really hate surprises. Having breast cancer is a big enough surprise. I think that surprise in itself should have superceded and wiped out all other surprises. I think I’ll print up a “get out of surprises free” card and carry it around with me everywhere I go to let people know…..no more surprises.

What was that?

2005-06-21T21:12:00.000-05:00

Today, was weepy day. Can’t really tell you why. Don’t really know why. All I know is from the time I woke up this morning, my mood was not the greatest. Way too much worrying about things. Way too much reflecting about things. A little bit of anger tossed in here. A little bit of the “why me” thing, tossed in there. A little bit of everything that made one big mess of my emotions today.

To top it all off, Ed and I had to run to Wal Mart to get my blood pressure pills refilled. It was hot out today and over and over again I found myself seeing females everywhere in these wonderful miniature scraps of material called tops with their boobs out there in plain sight just a bouncin’ along without a care in the world.

When we got to Wal Mart I decided to see what type of bras or camisoles I could find that might “work” for me now. This search was brought on after my becoming completely fed up after looking online earlier in the morning. There I found nothing but items that cost $50.00 and up that I can not possibly afford. I was looking for a mastectomy camisole that would be very pretty and easy to wear seeing as how I can not stand bras. I found a really nice one…..at the wonderful price of $64.95 which, of course, is ridiculous.

The search in Wal Mart ended in disaster as well. And, in the course of the search I snapped at Ed, who was trying very hard to be helpful. Now tell me, just how many guys would take on something that risky as to be in the intimate department of a general store to begin with? But here he was, actually working on helping me get through this and helping me find something. Yet I snap at him. I felt really bad about that, and really mad at myself for snapping at him and really mad about not having two boobs any more and really mad that the industry takes advantage of things like this and gouges people on prices for “specialty items” and on and on. I apologized to Ed and then ended up in tears. Then I was embarrassed that I was actually in tears in Wal Mart of all places and that just made it worse. Ed didn’t know what to do at that point except go grab the gallon of milk we still needed and find a way to get out of that store just a soon as possible.

What a mess. Worse part? Upon reflecting on things, I don’t think the boob issue was really the main issue here. Instead I think it was other things such as the issue of my upcoming guarantee of hair loss, due to the chemo, that I am facing with no answers to yet. And the unknown regarding how my body is going to react to chemo. And the unknown of how the heck I am going find an employer willing to hire me while I am going through this at a job that I will actually like. Or otherwise find a way to make an income while going through all this. And trying to pay the bills and not having the means right now to do so. And the neighbor that we are having a major problem with. (That would take a whole new blog to explain that one!) And dealing with so many things all at once. And already getting very tired of all the doctor appointments, yet knowing they have only just begun.

Yep, it was weepy day. Good thing I am not one to have too many of them. Good thing I know that when I wake up in the morning, I will be able look at things a little brighter, just because that is how I am.

A little more Backwards Forward

2005-06-16T22:43:00.000-05:00

………backtracking to my mastectomy and lymph node removal: After surgery, the surgeon informed Ed and I that more than just the Sentinel Lymph Nodes were removed due to cancer being found. The exact number removed would be told in the pathology report. She also stated that she removed yet another tumor during the mastectomy. This one, like the first two, was also good sized at 4 centimeters.

Thursday, 6-9-05. I had my first after surgery follow-up appointment. My daughter went with Ed and me, as this was also to be the day I received the pathology reports.

It was a bitter-sweet appointment. First the nurse removed the outer bandage. Then the surgeon removed the rest of the bandages. Having the bandages off felt wonderful! And at least my first look at my chest was one from the angle of looking down. My husband and daughter faced it straight on. They both stated it didn’t look anything like what they thought it would…..and they meant that in a good way. I too, agree. The surgeon did an excellent job of a very clean tight incision. Actually there are two incisions. One were my breast was and one under my left arm pit where the lymph nodes were removed.

After finding that one of the two drains had slowed down in accumulating fluids, the surgeon removed it. That was a bit painful, but a quick relief after it was over. I was really hoping that both could be removed but one was better than none!

The doctor told me that the pathology report wasn’t in yet. So, the waiting still continued. She assured me that when it came in, she would give me a call. She called the next day. The report confirmed that the third tumor was indeed more of the same invasive lobular carcinoma. The final tally on lymph nodes removed; 20. The tally on lymph nodes with cancer; 4. So here again, bitter-sweet.

I am not happy about the total number of lymph nodes removed, but feel some relief that only 4 had cancer. I am already practicing good behavior with my left arm to avoid Lymphedema and any other problems that can arise. I am very much aware this is not a temporary situation, but instead a life-long change. From here on out, I need to make sure that I do everything possible to avoid cuts, scrapes, sunburn, over heating, strain, excessive pushing or pulling, chemicals, etc on/with my left arm and hand. To insure that I remember that no blood pressure can be taken on that side or needles stuck into that arm, I have already purchased an engraved medical ID bracelet. A purchase, that I am sure, will pay for itself at some point in a big way. Plus, I figure, why take the chance of what could happen if I don’t wear one. I tend to be a tad forgetful at times. I can just imagine three years, five years, even ten years, down the road not giving it a thought and having something happen that sets my left arm off right into Lymphedema. That would not be my idea of a good time!

As far as the missing breast goes, now that it is actually gone, I have come to terms with it. For the most part. It does look strange….. no getting around it. It is very helpful that Ed is so accepting. Of course I wanted to see if I could deal with a bra and prosthesis, so I tried wearing a bra a couple of times. Forget it! I absolutely HATE bras and find them incredibly uncomfortable. I realize that by going without, the first time I receive some comment may be a jolt to me, but I will deal with that as I need to. For those fancier times in my life, I will somehow find a way to buy and wear a prosthesis. I will try to get one of those self-sticky by themselves to the chest things. But around my home….. who cares.

Yesterday, I went back in to my surgeon for my second follow-up appointment. At last, the second drain is removed! Freedom! AND, I can now take a shower again! Heaven! Everything is still looking great and healing well. Next appointment with her is three weeks from now.

Today, I saw my oncologist for the first time. He impressed both Ed and me immediately with his extreme knowledge and the way he listened to my answers to his questions. He wrote down every detail. (Either that or he had a very long grocery list he was putting together!) All kidding aside, I do believe he takes his saving lives and giving people every chance at living very seriously. We discussed the order of things to come. First, chemotherapy, then radiation and last but longest (five years worth), hormone treatments. He stated he needs to make sure that my heart can take the type of chemotherapy he wants to administer, so Monday I go back for a heart test, called a muga test. Once it is established that my heart is good, and after I have more fully recovered from surgery, I will begin chemo (about four/five weeks from now). It will be administered once every two weeks over a total of sixteen weeks. Chemo drugs I will be given: Cytoxan, Adriamycin and Taxol. If my heart isn’t up to this type of chemo, then a different type will be administered and will last a total of twenty four weeks. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out which one I would rather go through. Yep, either one that keeps me alive!

Backwards Forward

2005-06-15T20:30:00.000-05:00

I don’t know why I have been unable to write for the last couple of weeks. Oh, I have tried. I have sat down several times since my last entry...... a couple of words would tumble out through the keyboard and then it would just stop. My mind has been so overwhelmed with so many issues that they all just became one great big jangled mess. I would tug on a thought string only to have it snap back up somewhere into the dark masses. Somewhere, where I couldn’t quite pull it out by itself again. So now I am left to try the catch up method. I’ll give it my best. It may be a rather jumbled path, but I will get to the present somehow. Try to stick with me here and we will go there together.

Last entry, Monday May 30. Since then Ed and I worked on/in the house, moving things around, doing the things that needed to be done and trying to get to some type of household normalcy in preparation for my upcoming mastectomy, lymph node removal, recovery, chemo and what-ever-else I will be going through. But you see there were two problems that interfered here: 1) I have been a dedicated packrat for way too many years and 2) what the heck is normalcy? So we did the best we could with the two and three and more of everything we came across, gasp, even threw some things away. And as far as the normalcy goes, well, we are still working on that one. But, I will take time to mention that the cactus we planted outside are doing great. My daughter just keeps shaking her head every time she walks by them, muttering something to the effect of “most Moms plant roses, but no, my Mom plants cactuses. In Wisconsin, no less!”

Monday, June 6th, I went in for my surgery. I had done such a good job of making sure I was mentally prepared for what was to come, that my blood pressure was actually lower than it has been in years.

Prior to surgery day, I had received the initial time that I was to be there to check in for surgery….10:30 in the morning. Several days later, I received a call from the surgeon’s nurse that the time was being changed to 8:30 in the morning. Then, the Friday before surgery, I received one more call from the same nurse saying that time was once more being changed to 9:30. I joked with her on that last phone call and said we could always just come over at around five in the morning and camp out.

Ed and I left home early. Early enough that, when we arrived, we had plenty of time sit on one of the benches in front of the hospital to enjoy the fresh air, pretty skies and greenery all around us. At about 9:15, we walked inside to check in. When we got to the desk, the admitting clerk couldn’t find my records, but she was finally able to check me in regardless. They took us to my room, and after changing into my sexy gown, they did all the weigh-in, temp taking, blood pressure stuff. From there I was wisked away to nuclear medicine to have the radio-active dye put into my system for the sentinel lymph node detection. It was here that the first hint of a problem became apparent. The nurse mentioned that they had been waiting for me for an hour and was glad I had come in after all. She mentioned they thought I wasn’t coming. I, of course, couldn’t understand why she thought this as I wasn’t even supposed to be there until 9:30. She told me that I had been scheduled for 8:30. I explained that the nurse called me on Friday and had changed it from 8:30 to 9:30. The nuclear medicine nurse checked the records and stated no one had changed them to reflect the new time I was given. So……from here it started to all slide………. My surgeon showed up and let me know she was upset that I was late. I explained that I WASN’T late, I was there at the time her nurse told me to be there. She just gave me this odd look and said her nurse must have gotten it confused.

I was then rushed into the pre-surgery room and I started to panic as my husband had no idea what was happening. I wanted to at least see him before I went into surgery. The last he thing he and I were told was that I was going to be coming back to my room before being taken into surgery. The nuclear medicine nurse was very understanding. She found him for me and directed him to the pre-surgery room.

Then the anesthesiologist comes in. HE ISN”T THE ONE I REQUESTED! The one that was part of the reason the surgery was scheduled three weeks from when the surgeon originally thought it should be done. It was scheduled that way to insure the anesthesiologist that I had when the lumpectomy was done would be the same one for the mastectomy. I had very solid reasons for this request. The one I had during my lumpectomy was absolutely excellent. He listened to me and was so very very careful when putting me under. I am extremely sensitive to anesthetic, I do not wake up well and I have had some other reactions as well. How do I know this? Because I have had enough surgeries in my life to have a very good idea of how my body reacts to general anesthetic. My body does not like keeping it’s parts intact! And it must think that growing things for science projects is fun! (I never gave it permission for this by the way. Back to the signing the donor card way too early in life statement!)

Anyway, this anesthesiologist was a whole lot different from the other one. This doctor didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. Instead, he kept cutting me off and telling me I didn’t know what I was talking about. According to him I couldn’t possibly have a problem with general anesthetic. When I explained that several in my family also have this problem, he said that is impossible. I looked over at my husband and the look on his face was unforgettable. He, too, was in shock at how this doctor was treating me. My husband tried to speak to the doctor and he too was cut off from speaking. Then I looked over at our friend who was there also and he too was in shock. At this point I came very close to just saying “NO WAY! No surgery for me. It will just have to be rescheduled.” But I knew doing that certainly wasn’t going to be in my best interest, so I tried hard to just deal with things. Needless to say, I was now so stressed that I am sure my blood pressure was topping off at some ridiculous area bordering on danger zone. THEN……just when I am trying to deal with it and get my mind into some sort of acceptance and reassurance, a male nurse comes over and in his own words “is going to “try” to put an IV in”, He stuck the IV needle into the vein on the top of my right hand so hard that I though he had gone all the way through. As it turned out, he did push it in too far. For the whole time it was in me, if I so much as moved the hand slightly, it kept stopping the flow and the blasted machine would just beep away. One of the other nurses explained, after surgery, that he had hit something or other in the vein and he had used too much force putting it in.

Well, into the surgery room I went. The anesthesiologist knocked me out right away. Probably to shut me up! Wonder what the conversation was after that!

Surgery was fast and furious. After all, the surgeon had already told me that she was now running behind schedule. What was supposed to take 1 1/2 to 2 hours now just took an hour. Wow, the wonders of modern surgery. I know that Chilton’s manuals for labor needed to remove things on cars can sometimes be off a little bit here and there. Does the same thing apply to surgery manuals? But everything came off and out which was the whole purpose, so surgery was successful.

But wait……then came the recovery room. For some strange reason it took them two and a half hours to wake me up! Could it be, I did know what I was talking about after all? The surgeon had told my husband that surgery went well and that I should be back in my room within an hour. As the hour came and went and I still wasn’t back in my room, he asked, several time, where I was. He just kept getting brushed off with, “oh, it shouldn’t be much longer”. We will probably never know what really went on in that recovery room. I do know that my throat was swollen and sorer than ever before from any other surgery that I have ever had. That includes the one that took a whole lot longer when my left kidney was removed. I also had major heartburn and pain in my esophagus for a week afterwards, not to mention intense nausea upon trying to eat for the first time afterwards.

Upon arriving back in my room, my mind set started in on getting out of the hospital just as soon as feasibly possible. Not because of the bad things that had happened, but because I don’t ever want to stay in hospitals any longer than needed. By this time I had enough morphine and demerol in me that I felt pretty good. It doesn’t take much of that stuff to do that to me. As soon as they suggested I try getting up and walking a bit, I was up. As soon as they said I could eat, I did. (Although that first meal was a tough one!) From there on, it was all uphill. The next day, I was out of there! And I felt pretty darn good!

I will take time here to mention that the nurses I had after surgery were really really nice! I felt very lucky to have them. Very professional and yet very personable. It almost made me feel bad that I was saying goodbye to them so soon when I left!

Home. Maybe it isn’t the fanciest place. Or very big. Or very up-to-date. But it felt so good to pull up in the driveway and walk in. Over the last few weeks, home has become my haven. It is my comfort zone. I think I took it somewhat for granted before. Now I look at entirely differently. It is where I raised my kids from babies. It is where my husband and I share our most intimate thoughts and feelings. It is where I can laugh or cry or be scared and no one can interrupt me…..or see me. It is where I can look at my incisions and learn to deal with them. Where I can try on bras and chuckle at the absence of my left breast and how funny a bra looks that way. Before long, it will be where I learn to deal with the loss of my hair from chemo. All in the privacy of my comfort zone. Home.

This and That

2005-05-30T14:56:00.000-05:00

I will start out with parts of recent conversations that I either a) am looking at much differently today than I would have in as little time as just over a month ago or b) find interesting in a weird sort of way.

Upon finding out I have cancer, this person responded with, “Wow, you look so healthy.”

Do we have preconceived ideas on what someone with cancer should look like? To me, actually, the scary part is that, not only do I look healthy, but I feel healthy. Oh, there are a couple of minor things that I am now adding together and realizing they may (or may not) have something to do with my having cancer. But in reality? If a doctor had not told me I have cancer, I would never have known. Now THAT is scary. How long could I have gone with cancer in my body and not know it? How long before it would have made me look unhealthy? What are my odds now? What would my odds have been had I not found out when I did?

Another recent conversation with another person…… In a reference to a male worker in a workplace – “He chases after anything with breasts.” Granted, I found this to be a comment that I have heard in various forms over the years. This time when I heard it, I couldn’t help but take note. It was the criteria and the plural; breasts. Once again I found myself mulling over the role a woman’s breasts (yep, there is that plural again) play in our society. Yes, I have always been aware of this, but now it is taking on a much different slant as I my unilateral mastectomy is approaching a week from today.

Where does a one-breasted woman fit in? Do they make one-side bras for those of us daring enough to go without a fake one if we opted out of doing reconstruction of some type? I haven’t checked, but I bet not. How about strapless evening gowns? Now that could be a real challenge. (I think I will pass, thank you. I am very comfortable in jeans!) I never did participate in a wet tee-shirt contest at any time in my life. Just wasn’t my style. Guess I won’t be trying it anytime soon either. I can only imagine the looks and reactions that one would get!

In my quest of finding options to consider, I do know they sell breast forms on eBay. I was looking the other night. As I was reading the descriptions, sizes and prices, my daughter (19) was on her computer next to me, watching me, shaking her head and saying “There is something really wrong with this family!” And of course she immediately instant messaged someone to tell them. Personally, I think it is perfectly normal to look for life’s much needed items on eBay!

Upon checking out breast forms I found they seem to have this unique sizing thing going on. Perhaps it is even more difficult to me as I haven’t worn or bought a bra in many years. I don’t have a clue what size bra would fit right now while I still have two breasts. How the heck do I figure out what size breast form I will need to “match” the breast left after surgery? The end result is supposed to be that I am able to fit both the real and the fake into a bra and have both look “natural”.

Deciding to check things out further, I surfed over to some web sites where selling breast forms are their main business. There, they are listed in sizes ranging from 1 through 17 or so. The bras for them are sized 28AA through 50DD. (Maybe the doctor could just sew some Velcro on my chest while I am in surgery. That would take care of needing a bra.) And then you have different shapes for the forms that need to be figured out, such as triangle, symmetrical, wide base, heart-shaped with tapered edges, underarm extensions, teardrop, modified triangle and more. Then there is the “nipple” thing. Guess what folks, there seems to be a multitude of those out there, too. I think this is so you can attach them to the forms that don’t have them built in to look even more “natural”. If that isn’t enough choices, then there are also various materials used for making the breast forms. Different materials for different purposes. Casual, swimwear, evening, etc. After thinking about it, one that takes on water wouldn’t work out too well for swimming. So I guess it does make some sense.

Prices for all this? Step over cancer unit, because they came close to putting me into a cardiac care unit! They are not in the low-end or even middle price range. It was nothing to see breast forms for $189.00 each on up to $300.00. They certainly know how to take advantage of a woman’s vulnerability! Some of them appeared to be made out of the same type of material and were roughly the same size as toys I remember buying for my kids fifteen years ago. Price for those toys? High end was $9.99 each. Even with inflation, I doubt those toys are $200.00 now. So what gives here? Is it because some insurance companies pay for them? Is it because they know a woman will want to look as good and as normal as possible and will be willing to pay whatever price necessary to do so? Where does that leave women, like myself, that don’t have money and don’t have insurance? Simple enough, but a sad fact. It looks like we do without. Whether we want to or not.

Reconstruction? Now? Later? Ever?

2005-05-26T20:43:00.000-05:00

This morning, I had barely opened my eyes, yet my mind began zipping through a multitude of thoughts, questions, and scenarios. This was not a good sign. I am not a morning person. I try to avoid thinking, communication or any other life-form until around 10:00 a.m. or so. This morning it didn’t seem to matter.

Today was the appointment with my plastic surgeon. I wanted to make right decisions based on logic and reliable information. Darn it, that emotional thread kept slipping in. Couldn’t help it. Gonna lose a boob. Funny how, in the midst of knowing I have cancer and knowing I can lose my life, here I was thinking about losing a boob. Logically that was just down right ridiculous. Oh, good, at least I shifted back to logical.

The doctor listened to my concerns, the items I brought forth from the research I have done and my questions. A big concern to me, invasive lobular carcinoma has a tendency to spread to the other breast. Sometimes it will be a while, but it often gets there. What if I have the first breast removed, an implant put in and then I have to have the other breast removed. Kind of stuck then. Either have to have the first implant removed and be left with sagging skin on that side and a tight scare on the other or have a another implant put in on the other side. Then it does become ridiculous. I really feel I would be better off having two breasts removed and no implants. I really don’t want to deal with any of the different flap reconstructions. I want to get on with the chemo and other treatments needed to rid my body of the cancer. I don’t want to take extra time in here for healing from reconstruction.

So…..my decision…..I am going to be lopsided for a while. I have decided against reconstruction of any type at this time. Maybe down the road I will decide I just can not deal with only having one “bump” on my chest. I have the rest of my life to do reconstruction of one type or another and that is just fine with me. Plus, there are breast forms on the market made for women that have had mastectomies that I can check out. Course that means I would most likely need to start wearing a bra. Good grief this is all getting so complicated. I haven’t worn a bra in about twenty years!

Research, Thought Process, Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

2005-05-25T20:44:00.000-05:00

Ever since my diagnosis and the setting of the surgery date for my mastectomy, I have been doing a lot of research into invasive lobular carcinoma, various methods of treatments being used for it and also methods of breast reconstruction. The doctor will be doing a modified radical mastectomy of my left breast, which will include the removal of a number of lymph nodes along with my entire left breast. (See http://www.breastbiopsy.com/bioresults_treatmentoptions2.jsp for further descriptions) A biopsy will be done on the lymph nodes to find out if the cancer has spread to them yet. If it has, this is where my needing radiation will come in on top of the chemo they are already scheduling me for. Because the entire breast is being removed, reconstruction methods are limited to a flap reconstruction (of which there are several types) or an implant.

I have been wrestling with several things as I’ve doing my research. The first being the lymph node removal. I have always been a fairly active person. My hands and arms have always been my means of making an income, either within an office setting as an administrative assistant or repairing/fiddling with computers or bartending. Upon reading what the lymph nodes do and finding out the possible hazards involved with lymph node removal, I want to try to keep the possible hazards to a minimum. Some who have a number of lymph nodes removed develop Lymphedema. Lymphedema is a condition, in which a damaged lymphatic system loses its ability to pump or move lymph fluid, thus resulting in lymph build-up. This causes the arms or legs to swell to several times their normal size and is known to be extremely painful and can be disabling. It also presents the potential for massive infections from even the smallest cuts or inflammation of the skin. To avoid Lymphedema and other problems, there are various precautions. Among them would be limiting the lifting of items and repetitive motions. Because my lively-hood and things I enjoy in life involve lifting, this concerns me. Along with becoming a cancer survivor I also need to continue quality of life. Otherwise, what is the point?

After studying methods of lymph node removal, I felt that doing a Sentinel Node Biopsy might be an option. A Sentinel Node Biopsy is a technique to determine the status of the auxiliary lymph nodes first. The tumor site is injected with a radioisotope and/or blue dye. This is tracked into the sentinel node, which is the first lymph node in the body to come in contact with cancer cells as they leave the primary tumor. The sentinel node is then removed. If there is no breast cancer found in the sentinel node, more than likely no further nodes may need to be removed. If breast cancer is found, then it is generally decided that more lymph nodes will need to be removed. By going with a Sentinel Node Biopsy with minimal node removal, it can often save a woman from the possibility getting Lymphedema.

In order to present my thoughts and questions in an organized way and to give my surgeon the opportunity to answer me at a time that was good for her, I wrote everything in a letter to her. I explained to her my concerns on future usage of my left arm and why I have these concerns. I asked her if a Sentinel Node Biopsy would be a possibility for me. And I asked her expertise on the pros and cons of doing this procedure over the one she is planning on doing.

Her response was absolutely fantastic! She called me and we went over it together. She understands my concerns and she agreed that yes, she can and will do the Sentinel Node method first. She did warn me that if the Sentinel Node shows cancer, then she will most definitely remove more lymph nodes. I totally understand and am hoping for the best here. If more need to be removed, well then, that is the way it needs to be. But if there is a way to keep things to a minimum, I want my best shot at that as well.

Another item that has been concerning me is the reconstruction of a breast to “replace” the one I am losing. The original plan was to insert a saline implant at the time of my mastectomy. Upon plenty of research though, I have started to question my having this done. Implants are a man-made material and carry no guarantees as to longevity or compatibility within a person’s body. Look at what happened with the first “round” of implants that hit the market. In the beginning they were hailed as being relatively safe and a fantastic remedy for enhancing a woman’s breasts or for reconstruction after a mastectomy. As time went on and more statistics were compiled, all kinds of problems started emerging. Some of these problems included illness and death. THAT is a big problem! Looking back, they weren’t so safe after all. Now they have come out with new ones that are supposed to be, once again, “safe”. As before though, there has not been enough time yet to really make that a reliable statement.

There are a few other things that bother me regarding reconstruction and the implant idea.
1) Implants can spring leaks. Doesn’t mean they will, but they can. And they have been known to do so.
2) Cancer can come back and the implant can conceal it.
3) It can interfere with radiation treatments.
4) My body could reject it or build up scar tissue trying to get rid of it .
5) I really highly doubt that any medical insurance is going to cover me from here on out. (Let’s see now, previously I have had a hysterectomy, my appendix removed, my left kidney removed and now I have cancer. Nope, really can’t picture any medical insurance company wanting to take on that risk!) With that in mind, if I were to have an implant and it starts leaking or otherwise has a problem, just what am I going to be able to do about it? How would I pay for it? They can only be removed through another surgical procedure.
6) If it does need to be removed, I am left with sagging wrinkled skin in its place. To me this is no substitute for a breast!
7) What do I do if, once I have it, I don’t like it?
And last but not least,
8) No matter what I do, an implant is not a breast!

Regarding reconstruction, I also have to look at the long-term picture. I need to look at it from a realistic standpoint, rather than from the whirling emotional viewpoint I am caught up in right now. Emotionally, I am devastated that I am losing a breast. The reality? There is absolutely NOTHING that is going to put that breast back. To do a tissue flap reconstruction generally means I have to give skin and muscle from somewhere else on my body and place it on my chest. Is that a breast? No. To remove skin and muscle from somewhere else on my body means the potential for problems somewhere else on my body. I am already getting disfigured at one location, why the heck do I want to add more disfiguration somewhere else? All for the sake of concealing the first disfiguration. When they get around to cloning breasts, that look, act and feel like breasts, well, that may be a different story.

I do have to say, as I write this, this is all making so much sense and might even sound logical. Emotionally, I am a wreck. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon that is scheduled to do my implant. I want to discuss the various aspects with him regarding my reconstruction options. I need his professional input. Plus, with surgery looming over me at only a little over a week away, I have to make up my mind. I will give him and you my final answer tomorrow.

Takes the Cake - Final Chapter

2005-05-17T11:48:00.000-05:00

Yep, the boss did it. He has eliminated my job.

Piece of cake. I am sure I am very employable. 53 years old, cancer, major surgery scheduled for June 6th, 4 week recovery from that and then chemo and then radiation or else radiation and then chemo and I have no idea of how long each of these procedures will take. Very employable!

People have a funny way with timing and a funny way of saying thank you for being a dedicated employee after nine years of working for them.

Good News from the Depths of the Bad!

2005-05-13T23:01:00.000-05:00

Today I received the CT Scan results. GOOD NEWS! The cancer has not spread to any of my internal organs! At this point, my kidney, ovaries, liver, gallbladder, etc etc etc are looking clean from cancer. I can't begin to tell you how good that news sounded to my ears! I know, it doesn't mean I am out of danger, not by a long shot, but it sure puts a better light on this whole thing!

Surgery is set. I requested the same anesthesiologist I had at the beginning of last week when the lumps were removed. (This guy is absolutely great! I will make a point of telling you more about him later.) I am also going to have an implant done at the same time of the surgery. To coordinate the anesthesiologist, plastic surgeon and the surgeon's schedules, and because of Memorial Day weekend, the surgery needed to be put a little further away than originally wanted by my doctor. June 6th. I am actually relieved. It gives Ed and I a little more time to adjust and to get the critical things done that need to be in place in such a short length of time. Things like making a will, living will, arranging the house (I am such a pack rat!) so I can concentrate on recovery and chemo and whatever else is throw my way throughout this.

I tried to see if there was any way I could get around having my entire breast removed, but the doc is highly advising against it. She says my breast is showing way too much cancer with no margins to take that risk. I really wish it could be different, but I certainly want every chance possible to become a survivor. So be it.

It is so hard sometimes, to deal with the thought of a part of my sexuality being taken away. I may be 53, and I may have small breasts to begin with, but they actually were one part of me that was looking "young" still! I also worry about how Ed will view me after it is removed. If we were at a point where we have been married for years, it might be different, but we have been married for such a short time. I can't help but worry that he isn't going to find me desirable any more and that would just devastate me. I can't help but worry about how I am going to feel when I am around women who are still in one piece. I am already viewing busty women with a kind of sadness. I can't help wonder when Ed looks at other women after my surgery, if I am gong to become concerned or jealous or wonder what he is thinking or if he is "comparing". Yes, I know I am sounding paranoid, but it is the way I am feeling. I am sure that other woman who have been in my shoes have had the same type of thoughts. It doesn't help that I know a few men that have left the women in their lives due to their having something or another removed that had to do with their "being a woman". I always wondered just how much of a "man" that showed THEY were! I have never heard of a woman leaving a man because of some part or another being removed from their physical being, but I am sure there are some. Then again, our society, and the media doesn't help here either. There is such an importance put on how a female looks and how breasts are emphasized. If you don't have a certain hour glass, large breasted figure to begin with, you already have "strikes" against you. Now go and remove one breast, maybe even both and see how it is viewed. What, I dont' think they have ever dealt with that one. I don't think I have ever seen "sexy" ads of women with one or no breasts!

I had a huge sheet of questions for the doctor this time. Her name is, well for my blog sake, I'll just call her Dr. B. There is something about Dr. B that makes me feel I am in very good hands. She didn't rush me or make me feel the questions weren't necessary. For this reason and other, I have a lot of confidence in her. I am looking forward to our working together and getting to a good outcome. She is a very soft spoken, petite woman. She does not give false hopes, or mince words, but she is also very careful with how she deals with the negatives. Ed feels the same way about her.

I am so glad today brought some good news. Last night neither Ed nor I could sleep. This has taken such a toll on both of us. He is so scared. We layed in bed, in the dark, and talked and hugged and kissed. We discussed many things and put some of our fears out in the open. We are so afraid of the future, and at the same time we are so hopeful. He can not fanthom the thought of losing me. We seem to be drawing even closer than before with all that is happening right now. I love the fact that we can talk about anything. We can laugh even when it seems almost impossible to be able to do so. We have both reassured each other as best as we each can do. But it is still there....we are both still scared. Guess it just can't be helped. It is just the nature of the disease of breast cancer.

Takes the Cake, Part II

2005-05-09T22:58:00.000-05:00

Date: May 9, 2005 10:55 PM

Hard to believe, but my boss out-does himself!
This is definitely "Takes the Cake, Part II"

I have worked for this man for nine years. At first it wasn't bad because he did allow me to take time (within reason, of course) as needed for my kids as they were growing up and allowed phone calls from them to me at the office when they got home from school. That is the biggest reason I stuck with him. The pay has never been great, but in the beginning it was at least within the mid-lower range for this area. My being allowed to be there for my kids was important to me even if it meant making less. Then things took a turn and he found a way to make things work for him even though I thought he was helping me. I had to have my left kidney removed back in 2001 due to a birth defect detected when I was 48 years old. He went with the idea of moving the workings of the office into my house so that I could work while recovering from surgery. It was great in the beginning. I loved it and I worked really hard to prove to him that this could become a permanent thing. That it could be a benefit both of us. Who wouldn't love the convenience of working out of their home? Oh, it ended up working out great all right. It now gave him exactly what he wanted. He no longer felt the need to go into the office every now and then. He was now able to go on multiple vacations and outings year round and still know that everything in the office was being handled great. He has always commented on how perfect I handle everything. Even recently I have heard that comment. However, later that same year, I ended up taking a pay cut. Not a small one….my salary was cut exactly in half. I worked hard to make ends meet and even took on odd jobs here and there to compensate. Then as time went on I ended up adding on the cost of office supplies; the paper, printer ink, the extra phone line to take the phone calls being forwarded for the business, the long distance phone bill, stamps etc. out of my own pocket. That just started to progress over time. Plus he bought some buildings and I was also became his property manager! The property manager addition to my job started out ok, but then it also started getting twisted around. The actual job description of my original position when hired took many twists and turns over the nine years, with things being added on a regular basis. I will say that the original business itself did start to slow down from what it was when I was first hired. It really couldn’t help doing so. He hasn’t been around to promote any new business and he rarely returns any of the current clients phone calls.

My boss never did call back Friday afternoon after getting back from the golf course, or even anytime this weekend, as he said he would. No, it as 2:30 this afternoon (Monday) when he finally called. He asked a few questions regarding my health and what is happening then continued with something I never saw coming!

Two weeks ago he mentioned that he wanted to cut business expenses and was considering bringing the stock for the business from the warehouse back down to his property and then he would do the shipping of the stock himself. I wondered when he said this, just how this would work out. He really does not like to be in the office too much. Never has. Even old-time bankers hours would be a heck of a lot more hours than what he has put in, in years. But it appears my being diagnosed with cancer may have just been the perfect timing for him. He knows I am going to need surgery, recovery time from surgery, chemo, and radiation and who knows what else. He, of course, knows my age, 53. He knows that already has a high likelihood of working against me in the current job market. He knows I am not going to be a hot commodity with my recently diagnosed health situation in the current job market. And of course, he, of all people, knows how much money I make and knows how I am really hurting, there again, with what is looming ahead of me.

His solution to help me out?

He brings the stock down from the warehouse, as originally stated, and my husband can do all the shipping. When he said it, I immediately thought, "This could good. A little extra income would help out a lot right now." So I asked "How much would you pay Ed to do this?" His answer, "Well, nothing. This is how you can keep your job." I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I actually stuttered and my thought process became a mess! As he droned on, I realized he was serious. He actually expected Ed to do drive the 18 mile round trip, in our old 1990 van that guzzles gas at around 13 miles to the gallon, (would love to replace it but no resources to do so) AND do the shipping for no compensation what so ever, just so I can keep my job. I came very close to screaming out loud. I was screaming inside.

I realize I am partially to blame for my current "job" scenario and I accept this. I should have quit and found something else. Yes, I should have probably done it a long time ago. But I didn’t. I loved being able to be home when the kids got home from school, to be able to be there with them during the summers, and I loved working out of the house. (My youngest just graduated high school last year.) So, with all of this, I just kept trying to make the job work, so that the rest of my life could work, too.

My husband’s reaction to my bosses’ thought process of "volunteering him so that I could keep my job" was priceless. Not just volunteering him, but also putting us in a position where we would have to spend money to do it! At a time when we are both already scared about my just recently being told the ever dreaded "you have cancer" statement. At a time when, without medical insurance or savings or enough money to pay the even the basic bills right now, our only vehicle being a gas guzzler that isn’t in the best of condition to even get to chemo treatments and radiation treatments, (which are over 30 miles each trip), we get this added on top. Yep, the world has some interesting characters in it. That is for sure!

Time....no time.....

2005-05-08T22:51:00.000-05:00

Today was a long day. My husband and I worked on getting some things in place in advance of the surgery. Because the chemo will follow close after surgery, we know we are working in a very limited time frame. How in the world are we going to get it all done? At most, we have a week.

Due to Ed and I recently getting married we are still learning about each other and the things that come with living with another person. With the health issue that is now looming over us, we find ourselves having to step up the pace. I am trying to make sure I keep a very positive attitude towards our future. So is he. Yet, being a realist, some of the things I know that need to be in place, and soon, tend to have negative type sides to them. Among them, the writing of a will and a living will. We don't have the money for an attorney, so we will have to deal with it ourselves and make sure they are correct and legally binding. And even though both need to be done, it is very hard to do right now. It gives a haunting fatalistic feeling. Then there are the things that need to be addressed with each of my kids. That too, tends to run a negative almost fatalistic thread.

There are so many emotions and thoughts running through me, both up front and just under the surface. My mind is boggled with trying to deal with it all. Working on getting things in place will keep me busy, so that is good. But it is also very tiring. I am starting to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Today I my body is hurting. I don't know why.

We are both concentrating hard on what needs to be done today. We are both wondering what is in store for the future. Having no medical insurance and very limited income means we are dealing with things beyond just being able to concentrate on my health and getting healthy again. We have so many things that could just fall apart on us so quickly. And now we are going to have to figure out where the money will come from to get any prescriptions that will be needed. Or the extra gas that will be needed just to get to appointments. The money just isn't there. I will need to find a way to keep working, but we are scared that might not be possible. We just don't know. It is that "not knowing" that makes it even harder.

Takes the cake....

2005-05-07T22:30:00.000-05:00

Happened Friday, 05/06/05

Setting: This morning, called my boss of nine years on cell. He is rarely in the physical office. The actual "workings" of the office are in my home and have been since January 2001. Day before yesterday I am diagnosed with breast cancer (after just discovering the lump two weeks ago). Yesterday I have a doctors appointment to find out what the future has in store for me and the surgery, treatments etc I will have to go through. My boss asked me to call him today to let him know what the doctor said yesterday...he told me this Wednesday.

Me: Explaining....letting him know what the doctor said and what stage my cancer is in at this point, the surgery that I have to have immediately and the treatments... chemo... radiation..... hormone therapy.... I will have to have.

My Boss: Stops me mid-sentence before I am done. "Will you be home later today?"

Me: "Well, yes, I believe so."

My Boss: "Would it be ok if I call you back later in the afternoon or maybe sometime this weekend?"

Me: "uhhh, well, yes, sure"

My Boss: "I'm playing golf right now and the guys are waiting for me."

Guess it takes all kinds in this world!

Some background.....and some advice....

2005-05-06T22:29:00.000-05:00

I want women reading this to know what symptoms I may have overlooked so you too can become just a bit more informed for yourselves. We have been blasted with different media over the years.... do a self-exam. Even the "get a breast buddy" method has been widely publicized. Oh, as we know, there are always lots of buddy volunteers out there! But seriously, I do feel that the self-exam has merit. It just needs to be expanded a bit.

I have been doing self-exams for a long time. Then a few weeks ago I noticed that my left breast was starting to change. Only slightly. It was becoming slightly smaller than the other one. I noticed it was turning slightly to the left. Hmm.... I starting thinking "getting older" is starting to take its toll. After all, I turned 53 in March and as my Dad would say, I'm not a spring chicken anymore! Then I switched to thinking menopause, which I have been going through for a while now. I noticed my deodorant wasn’t working very well any more on the left side but was still fine on the right side. I had a couple of "sensitive" spots on my spine. By themselves these last two items didn’t make much sense and certainly not every woman will experience them. Then I did a self-exam. At first I did it the way they tell you…. one breast at a time. I didn’t feel any problem. Then laying down, I crossed my arms over each other over my chest so that my right hand was over my left side and my left hand was over my right side. Using my finger tips on each hand I systematically inspected and COMPARED the exact same locations on each breast at the same time until I had examined both breasts completely. And there it was. Then I sat up and did it again. There it was again.

I was confused at first. I have always thought a lump would be very recognizable. After talking with several woman since finding the lump, I have found that there is a general preconceived idea that a lump will feel like a well defined roundish hard item that can’t be missed. Think about it. What is your perception of what a lump will feel like? In my case it actually felt more like a tight muscle or a tight piece of tissue inside the breast. Plus, it actually felt slightly soft or pliable. By itself, only one breast being examined at a time, I didn’t realize it shouldn’t be there. It was only with the comparing of both at the same time, that I realized it was a sign of a problem.

Sure enough. I immediately went in for a mammogram, (oh, wasn’t that fun…but I sure am glad I did it!). The mammogram confirmed I was right. It was indeed what they call a lump and not only did I have one, I had two. A few days later they removed the lumps and did the biopsy. Two days later I had the results. Now, I am not saying that all lumps will feel like mine did. And that is exactly my point. Be aware of ANYTHING that doesn't feel right or feels slightly different. And please, when doing a self-exam, take it a little further. Do a comparison exam as well. Also, pay close attention to other signs that just don’t seem to add up to anything. They just might add up to something much bigger than you could ever imagine and being aware just might save your life someday.

For those who are either diagnosed with breast cancer or know someone that is, my heart and hopes of only the best goes out to you. Survivors are becoming the norm. We, too, shall join that group.

Another date in time I will always remember!

2005-05-05T21:51:00.000-05:00

Today is another date I will remember forever! My husband and I arrive at the scheduled time for the appointment. The options are presented..... I didn't need a list of questions after all. Due to the type, invasive lobular carcinoma (no margins), location and size of the cancer, the choices are limited. Have a unilateral mastectomy, plus a group of lymph nodes removed (and biopsied), go through chemo, possibly radiation, and hormone therapy. Have various tests done prior to surgery and prior to chemo. From test results, determine if it has spread anywhere else.

Earlier in life I signed a donor card. I guess I should have read the fine print. I didn't realize that for some of us, the rules would be different and the parts would start being removed as we go along through life. Have already lost a few over the years. It started with the tonsils, then moved on to female reproductive stuff, appendix, a kidney (due to a birth defect found at the age of 48!) and now this. Damn it all, I was actually kind of attached to that breast! I guess the hair I will probably lose with the chemo just gets to be an added bonus, but at least that reproduces itself eventually.

I have already gone through a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts. So has my new husband of only five months. We just got married January 1st of this year! Not a first marriage for either of us, but we are so very happy and now this happens. What kind of guy is he? He is fantastic. He has already dug his heals in the ground and stated "We are in this together" "You don't have to worry, no matter what happens, I am with you all the way." "I will never leave your side." Yep, I did a good job this time of finding a good one. But damn, why did it have to become such a hard test?

There is another hitch in it all that makes it rough. My two children (daughter, 19 and son, 22) lost their father in early 2001 to cancer after a very hard three year battle. No, I was no longer married to him... had not been for a few years before he was even diagnosed, but that didn't make it any easier on any of us. Due to this, the word cancer around here has its own special meaning and set of emotions that comes with it. And here it is, once again, rearing its ugly head to them.

I can start my list of questions now. They weave up and down a lot of avenues though. They are most likely more than one doctor alone could or would be able to deal with.

Never thought I would hear these words

2005-05-04T22:43:00.000-05:00

The phone rings. I pick it up, say "hello" and listen. "This is Dr. B. Your test results are back. It isn't good news.....you have cancer". Suddenly her voice sounds so far away as she tells me she will go over more tomorrow at the scheduled appointment. She wants me to write down my questions and bring them in. I mumble something or another in reply and say good bye. I slowly put the phone back on the cradle. First, I sit there in disbelief. Then, covering my face with my hands, I begin to cry.

Pic

2005-04-01T05:46:00.000-06:00

~~~ Sunnyside2day ~~~